News Brief: Transcript of Terror Plot Fake, Montana Town Not Real

GUANTANAMO, CUBA. TWO MEN, HAJI AND RANDY, ARE ON THEIR KNEES, BLINDFOLDED AND HANDCUFFED. THEY WHISPER THE FOLLOWING:

Haji: "Cuba sucks."
Randy: "What?"
Haji: "Cuba."
Randy: "What about it?"
Haji: "It sucks."
Randy: "So?"
Haji: "So? We're in Cuba. And it sucks."
Randy: "We're not in Cuba."
Haji: "Uh, sure we are."
Randy: (laughs) "We're not in Cuba."
Haji: "Okay, then where are we?"
Randy: "Montana."
Haji: "I beg your pardon?"
Randy: "Montana. Guanto, Montana."
Haji: "You've lost your mind. We're in Cuba, man. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba."
Randy: "Okay, first of all, stop yelling at me. And second of all, I assure you, we're on American soil in Guanto, Montana."
Haji: "That's just crazy. How can you say that?"
Randy: "Because it's the truth."
Haji: "Oh, who told you?"
Randy: "A guard."
Haji: "Were you upside down on a board with water in your face?"
Randy: (whoa) "...How'd you know that?"
Haji: "Just a guess."
Randy: "You are a great guesser. Montana has already been good for you."
Haji: "Montana sucks."

The 3 M's of Michael Clayton: Money, Morality & Masterful Baking

Wonderful film with more than enough holes in the plot to generate an entire afternoon's worth of spirited conversation and debate. Thought-provoking, or merely sleep-inducing? Who's to say? I am. I prefer the former... (The first one)

1. Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson) faked his meltdown during and after the deposition. It was a desperate way to get out of not having to be honest in court.

2. At some point, Arthur fancied himself to be Jerry Maguire. He wanted to go run off with Anna and have a kid who constantly recites facts. Why else would Arthur have a thousand folders made, complete with cardstock covers? Because he'd go back and forth between moments of hubris and cowardice. He envisioned himself as a savior marching into the court room after everyone read his manifesto. But then he thought: "What if they don't like it?... Yeah, screw that. Let's just put that receipt here in this kid's book and forget about it." That's why Michael found the receipt.

3. Henry Clayton (Austin Williams) had a better legal mind than his father, Michael. Henry knew all the rules to his new role-playing game. But it's not just a game. No. It's life. Not the game, Life. Henry's a prodigy. He was constantly telling his father: "You gotta know all this stuff if you want to be successful in this new world," and Michael didn't care. Which sadly, was clear to Henry.

Meanwhile, crazy Arthur was busy highlighting passages and writing detailed, non-medicated notes in the margins. That's why Arthur was talking to Henry late at night on the phone. To get life advice. Nothing creepy about life advice.

4. Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton) was so busy orchestrating murders and concealing her company’s involvement producing carcinogens that she forgot to put anti-perspirant on one of her armpits.

5. Arthur's love of fresh, baked bread was real. This can't be adjusted. He'd think to himself: "I wonder what Shiva the God of Death ate. Probably some kind of bread. Hey, I know a bakery through the alley that makes the greatest bread. I should go buy as many loaves as I can carry." So he did.

8 CAPSULES (out of 10 CAPSULES)

More Reflections From the Back of the Spartan 300

Day 3 of the Battle at Thermopylae between the Spartan 300 and the entire Greek army. The Spartans are quickly approaching a glorious death. All 300 are looking forward to dining in hell after eating their final, hearty breakfast on Earth. Really? All of 'em?...

THE SPARTAN PHALANX HAS JUST BEEN BROKEN.

Leonidas (off-screen): “My queen. My wife. My love. Be strong. Good-bye.”

AN INCREDIBLE VOLLEY OF ARROWS LANDS ON THE 300. GARCIUS STANDS UP FROM BENEATH THE PROTECTION OF HIS SHIELD. HE PICKS UP A NEARBY SWORD AND FLINGS AT AN ONCOMING PERSIAN.

Garcius: “Hey, Leonidas! What’re you doing? Get up!”

LEONIDAS LIES THERE, DEAD.

Garcius: “Now is not the time to cower in fear, Spartan! Stand and fight!”

Prius: “He can’t.”

Garcius: “Of course he can. Fear has never stopped our king before.”

Prius: “Death will.”

Garcius: “What are you talking about?”

Prius: “Our King is dead.”

Garcius: “Get out of here.” HE SPOTS SOMETHING. “Duck!”

HE GRABS PRIUS JUST IN TIME TO AVOID ANOTHER VOLLEY OF ARROWS.

Prius: “’Then we’ll fight in the shade.’ Why the hell would he say that?!”

MORE ARROWS FALL ONTO SPARTAN SWORDS.

Prius: "Seriously, how many arrows do they have?!"

GARCIUS CONTINUES TO FIGHT LIKE A TRAINED SOLDIER.

Garcius: “Come on, Prius. We have to fight! For Sparta!”

Prius: “We have to get out of here.”

Garcius: “But that's not the Spartan spirit!"

Prius: "Who cares about that?"

Garcius: "I only signed up for this because I owed on my no pig pig farm, and you said, 'No matter what happens, Leonidas will protect us.'”

Prius: “Yeah, he also just said goodbye to his wife before falling to what appears to be every arrow in the world."

Garcius: “Well, now what are we supposed to do?!”

Prius: “It’s every man for himself!”

Garcius: “That’s crazy!”

Prius: “I know!”

Garcius: “We should get out of here!"

Prius: "I know!"

Garcius: "Dining in hell sounds great and all, but let’s go skewer some squirrels in a cave, alive on earth!”

Prius: "Sounds like a plan."

THEY RUN OFF.

[Thanks again to Frank Miller and Lynn Varley for unknowingly allowing me to spoof their great book]

Hey, AMPTP... Can I talk to you in this alley for a sec?... Great... Now, gimme your wallet

The Writers’ strike is about to enter its seventh week. Neither side is capable of staying at the table long enough to agree where to order lunch, let alone solve this contract dispute. I think the solution is forced arbitration. I believe that any rational person will take a look at this dispute and solve it rather quickly – in the writers’ favor. The simple fact of the matter is that a lot of hardworking people, who don't have the opportunity to get residuals and rely solely on paychecks, aren't working. And they want to work. And if they could find employers who could provide health care and benefits, they'd go work right now and this strike will be struck.

The WGA should sign the current deal on the table - now, just hold on a second - we should complete this season of television, and then never work with these networks again. I hear time and time again on the picket line that the network system is dead. Well, right now it’s gasping for air, drowning in obscurity. We need to suffocate these networks by cutting off their supply of scripted programs. Scripted programs they need to exist.

The only way to do this successfully is for writers to become more reliant on themselves. We need to create our own websites, post our own content and charge monthly subscriptions. Many writers have production companies, but only for tax purposes. Imagine for a second if they all became real companies... Companies that’re able to produce and distribute their own material. The AMPTP needs to be shown that network television has become an obsolete mode of distributing original programs.

It’s worked for porn, so I’ve been told. (My cache is empty, so check it. Please don't check it) All kinds of internet porn – even the farm stuff – is making gazillions of dollars with charging monthly subscription fees. If people can make a living posting videos of people sucking off horses, then I think, with an entire world audience, I can find people who’d be willing to pay a monthly subscription for an original, hour-long police procedural drama, inspired by "Little People, Big World." My show will be called "Little Hands, Big Felonies."