Oscar Tributes King of Pop

The 80th Academy Awards telecast began with a digitally animated segment that can only be described as Hollywood's tribute to Michael Jackson's video "Leave Me Alone." Jackson watched the show at an undisclosed location. Jackson said, "Um, I... um... Do you like my soul patch? I just started growing it. Hamanaheehee! Hoo!"

I like to freehand graph paper.

Curry Bushs in Africa

Arusha, Tanzania. President George Bush and First Lady Laura Bush were interviewed this morning by Ann Curry on the Today show. Curry asked the President if he thought his administration's fight against HIV/AIDS and malaria in Africa was “god’s work.”

Bush replied, “This is probably not a politically correct thing to say, but h-e-double hockey-sticks, yes.” If there's one person in America who shouldn't be worried about political correctness, it's certainly the President.

Barry the Tanzanian Devil was unavailable for comment.

C U Next Tuesday, Jane Fonda

Studio 1A, Rockefeller Plaza. The light, fluffy banter typically associated with Today was disgraced with gutter talk this morning by Jane Fonda. During a live interview to promote her work in The Vagina Monologues, Fonda said the word “cunt.” Meredith Vieira made her patented grossed-out face and exhaled sharply.

In her dressing room during the commercial break Vieira said, “We do hard news here, but with a fun attitude. That’s why I left The View. I was sick of all that contentious bullshit. Fuckin’ Fonda… Look, you have to excuse me. I have to calm down. I’m making meat balls with the entire Scotto family in ten minutes."

No. 1 Drops No. 2 Today

An unlikely champion emerged at the fabled Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. A beagle named Uno took home the coveted Best in Show award. Uno and his handler, Aaron Wilkerson, were bombarded with interview requests, and haven't had an opportunity yet to relax and savor their victory. Until Today.

This morning on Today, Uno and Aaron were interviewed by Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira. When the questions became more about Aaron, Uno proceeded to take a dump on Aaron's shoe. Aaron then expertly flicked it onto Matt's loafer. During the rest of the interview, Matt tried to surreptitiously move the dump over towards Meredith.

Ann Curry, Natalie Morales and Hoda Kotb saw the whole thing and couldn't stop themselves from laughing. After sending viewers over to Al Roker, Meredith quickly turned around and snapped at the women, "What're you laughing at?!"

In a high-pitched voice, the ladies replied, "Nothing."

Girlfriends Dumped, Told Not Them

Rio de Janeiro. There are things in this world that defy reason. Take the CW network's abrupt cancellation of Girlfriends. Without so much as a ten second promo, the world had no idea that What's Black-A-Lackin' and Stand and Deliver were going to be the final episodes of a series that was on for eight years. At precisely 9:57pm, the exact moment the show ended, this statue was struck by lightning. Reports of people hearing "Oh, hell no" echoed throughout the hillside has flooded messageboards.

There Will Be Risotto Trailer

Caption reads: "Omaha, Nebraska, 1932." A pot of simmering broth… rice browns in a frying pan... the broth is added... the mixture starts to boil... “Explosive,” says Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

There Will Be Risotto reunites There Will Be Blood director Paul Thomas Anderson and actor Daniel Day Lewis. Set several years after There Will Be Blood, Daniel Plainview has long since retired from the oil business. He purchased a lot in Omaha with his remaining holdings, and opened a small diner: Plainview’s Risotto Café.

Daniel Plainview addresses a town meeting. Plainview, “I’ve traveled half this state tonight to talk to you about risotto. I’m a risotto man. I’ve made risotto in eighteen counties. I know the kind of rice to buy, how much broth to use and so forth. Other companies will try and sell you pre-made risotto packs, but I assure you, the quality is alarmingly substandard. I’m the only one who knows the authentic recipe for risotto.”

Plainview makes risotto. “Once you allow me to get to work, I can guarantee that within one week of this establishment's opening, the fluffy, white gold will be on everyone’s dinner table."

It’s dark. Close on Plainview, lit only by a candle. Plainview, “I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed at making risotto.” Fade to black. There Will Be Risotto Coming Soon.

Pedro Martinez Unveils New Pitch

Dominican Republic. New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez showed off a new pitch this week. “A cock ball,” as Martinez describes it, “wobbles in at about 90 mph, then drops at the plate. It’s like a slider that clucks.”

Hall of Famer Juan Marichal, Martinez’s pitching coach said, “Pedro’s cock ball is a thing of beauty. All we have to do is figure out a way to pitch chickens instead of the standard Major League baseballs.”

Star Accidentally Took Handful of Pills

NYC. Medical examiners officially announced Heath Ledger’s death was caused by an accidental overdose of prescription medication. Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Stephen Schole stated, “Mr. Ledger did not intend to end his life. I think it's clear he was hoping to get, in what we in the medical community refer to as, ‘High as a motherfucker’.”

Über Baby Tuesday

Ludwigshafen, Germany. Fire in an apartment building took several lives a few days ago. The tragedy would've been worse had it not been for the extraordinarily heroic efforts of one very special person. In this stunning photograph, a miracle baby flies up to rescue those still trapped inside the burning structure. Notice how the baby effortlessly floats upward, accessing the situation, never taking his eyes off the victims.

Dubbed Fliege-Baby by the youth of Germany, (German for Fly Baby), this wunderkind has been spotted over Hamburg, Frankfurt and East Milkshake.

Fliege-Baby's identity has yet to be uncovered. Reports that this special flying baby lived in the building that caught fire were proven to be false, as that baby wears glasses.

Dad Says John Mayer, Jack Johnson Sound Identical

Bob Norwiki insists that it's "close to impossible" to tell the difference between John Mayer and Jack Johnson. His son, David, 16-year old and self-proclaimed music genius said, “Mayer does Waiting on the World to Change, and Johnson does Banana Pancakes. They sound nothing alike. My dad’s retarded.”

“No car this weekend!” his father yelled from the other room.

David shrieked, “I hate you!"

Perverse Town Celebrates Teen Abduction

Punxsutawney, PA. Parents were reunited with their only child today after suffering through a treacherous ordeal. Gary Groundhog, 15, was kidnapped from his home at approximately 7:25am. Marla Groundhog said, “Gary was on the couch watching tv, and I was making breakfast, when all of a sudden, he was gone. I was horrified. And then after about twenty minutes, which felt like an eternity, he just wandered back in."

Gary, while calmy gnawing on a log in his bedroom said, "All these people just stood there, taking pictures, calling me Phil. I felt hopeless. Do I even look like a Phil? I mean, come on. Not at all, right?"

This exclusive photo, seen here for the first time, is from a nearby ATM camera taken at the time of the abduction. Sheriff Tommy Lee Groundhog is looking for links between today's incident and a string of annual groundhog abductions, dating back 122 years. Tommy Lee said, "We're building a profile based on eyewitness testimony and forensic evidence taken from the scene. And if I'm right, we have about a year before he'll strike again. The clock," Gary added as he put on sunglasses, "is ticking."

Massachusetts Adds HOOV Lane

Rehoboth, Mass. The town’s main thoroughfare was closed for several hours after a peculiar accident involving a motorist and two cows. A woman was driving her daughter home when, according to police, two cows entered her lane and slammed into her vehicle. After making sure her daughter was fine, the driver wanted to check on the animals. It was at this point that one of the cows tried to carjack her. The woman grabbed her daughter and fled. The woman said, “I just kept running until I couldn’t hear that bell.”

When the police and fire department arrived on the scene, the cow was still in the car. Police took the cow into custody and hog-tied the animal in less than ten seconds, insuring twenty bonus points. One officer said, “Who knows why the cow didn’t drive away? I guess it’s just too hard to shift with hooves.”

Police found the second cow nearby in a field, drunkenly singing How to Save a Life by the Fray.

Spice Girls Cancel World Tour, World Says Thanks

Spiceshire. The Spice Girls announced the cancellation of their world tour today due to poor ticket sales. As one young Dublin girl said, "They're all, like, older than me mum's mum."

The speculation that Posh used a stand-in during costume changes seems to have become a non-issue. However, because of our tireless devotion to news, The Bee has discovered incontrovertible evidence that Posh was in fact using a stand-in. The stand-in has been identified as the DC18 Dyson-slim upright vacuum with Quick-draw Telescope-reach wand. The vacuum declined comment.

Oh UN, What Art Thou Thinking?

During a press conference yesterday, the United Nations named George Clooney as its latest peace envoy. His duties will include giving lectures about the current state of the world's gay animal population. Clooney gained notoriety playing the hunky handyman, George Burnett, on The Facts of Life, and as Sparky the gay dog on South Park. Clooney said, “I’ve been involved with projects that highlighted censorship in journalism, nuclear proliferation and did a number on the Batman franchise. And that's been rewarding. But do you know how many gay animals there are in the world? Exactly. You don't. I do. I had a pet pig. He wasn't gay, but we shared a bed together."

A UN spokesperson said that Clooney was not replacing Bono. "Bono is just taking time off to select another pair of rose-colored sunglasses."