Astonishing Break, Uncanny Repair & Astonishingly Breaks Again

Several years ago, I purchased a limited edition Astonishing X-Men Colossus statue, and I accidentally broke it when I took it out of the box. I spent that entire day meticulously glueing the statue back together. I did a phenomenal job. A few years went by and I forgot that my Colossus statue was ever broken in the first place. That is until today when I accidentally knocked it off my desk and it broke again. This time I learned my lesson: no more superheroes on the desk. I put my Lex Luthor bust there instead. You know, 'cause it's obviously a villain desk.

I was invited to an event tomorrow evening that starts at 7pm. If I arrive promptly at 7pm, I'll be the first one there... 7:15pm then.

The Romans, not the Spartans, salted the fields of Carthage so crops would never grow there again. Salt... I’m thirsty.

Every maniac has a girlfriend and I’m alone.

The woman who sat on her toilet for two years, to the point where it fused to her skin and she had to have it surgically removed... she has a boyfriend. Me? I'm alone. Menendez brothers? They got married. In prison after being convicted of killing their parents. Me? No manslaughter charges and I'm still not dating anybody. Perfect.

HBO Presents: Character Actors Fight for Independence

HBO's John Adams mini-series premiered last night. Based on David McCullough's biography, producers made a few interesting casting choices. The lead role of John Adams went to the manager from Cinderella Man; George Washington was portrayed by the villain from Disturbia; and Ben Franklin was played by the crazy attorney from Michael Clayton.

The Continental Congress scenes looked exactly like the back of money.

Southwest Airlines, Now With Hand Release

A man on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested last week after he allegedly masturbated next to a sleeping female passenger. The woman woke up to find an odd man staring at her and a sticky substance in her hair. Flight attendants only remember seeing the man move next to the woman during the flight. The victim has hired an attorney and plans on filing charges against Southwest.

The alleged perpetrator said, “If I had more leg room, I would’ve raped her.”

Up until today I didn't know how to spell "tensile strength" and thought it was "utensile strength."

Ordered Wii-inhaler, Will Arrive in 4-6 Weeks

As previously reported, one resident's finely honed digital character on the floor Wii-game system has developed Wii-sports induced asthma. A Shady Rest doctor prescribed a Wii-inhaler to resident Jeffrey Evans this morning. Evans said, "I feel great. It was hard at first. You know, 'cause I thought it was a real inhaler. The, uh, laser thingy sorta burned my throat. Craziest thing. It just tickled at first, but then a few minutes later, whoa boy, it was all sort of horrible... Everything's fine now, except I can't eat hot foods or cold foods, anything with a crust... room temperature shakes mostly... Bowled a bunch of turkeys, though, so that totally makes it worth it."

I have Wii-sports induced asthma.