The Shady Rest Daily Bee

The Tail-end of the Tale of the Shady Rest Shabby Tabby That Had to Go Splatty

2010-06-01T23:35:00.002-07:00

...not eggs & ham, megs of ram. and who said they have to be green? probably that cat. who I will hit with a bat & make cat go splat.

A Swift Kick in the Ass

2010-05-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

The following is a departure from the generally mediocre comedy that this blog strives for...

I found out today that my college roommate died, leaving behind 2 little kids and a wife. I hadn't spoken to him since graduation. Truth be told, I hated him and thought he was an asshole. But today, I find myself so incredibly sad about it and I can't figure out why. I'm not in a dramatic state. This entry is a baby step for me. I still hate him. And while it's simply part of life, sometimes life can be really hard. I find it's not helpful to play "what if" games and I'm not questioning my life. I just think it's kinda funny that while I really fuckin' hated him, I'm sad he's gone... even though we never would've spoken.

And that's my swift kick in the ass!

Mallets Awhorebought: New, Inadvertant Legal Term Introduced

2010-05-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

Any Intro to Law course, anywhere, high school, college, prison - will include a discussion about the principle known as "malice aforethought." Anyone who took one of those courses wouldve been a welcome addition to today's case.

A resident, Cuebert Rathrath, stood trial this morning for being suspected of breaking into his own room and stealing things while on a supervised 3day. Rathrath's fate lay in the hands of the all-resident jury. The judge, Helper Lance, told the jury to think about the legal concept of malice aforethought while deliberating.

Jury Foreman Walton Goggles said, "We all heard mallets awhorebought. All of us. If we all heard it, we all heard it. And! And, RathyRathRath had all those mallets in his cubby. It's not like we built up an elaborate conspiracy theory - that'd be crazy. We're crazy. I'm crazy, but my ideas aren't. Actually. That's a lie, I shouldn't have been jury foreman. But whatever, I'm done, box is checked and it's not even lunch time yet."

The New Math: Jacksonometry

2010-05-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Theorem #1: Reggie > Michael > Phil > Randy > Bo > Andrew > Stonewall.

Theorem #1a: Browne > Pollock.

Theorem #2: Janet > Victoria > Latoya

Theorem #3: Heights > Hole

Ties are just thinner, shorter capes you wear backwards.

2010-05-09T13:06:00.001-07:00

The Shield Horses

2010-05-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on Twitter, Slate.com posted an article about a particularly interesting hashtag on Twitter - names of derby horses based on the critically acclaimed cop show, "The Wire". The residents (and staff) think the program is just a little bit too hard to follow and prefer "The Shield." Film and TV critic, Arch Cannon, said, "The Shield" is just complicated enough for me. Plus, people get beat up more, and that's just great."

#ShieldDerbyHorseNames

Farmington Vic, Cleetus Van Damme, Al Capone's Badge, Shane's Grenade, Lemonhead, Money Train, Corrine's Dream, Rondell's Records, Gilroy's Mistress, Ding Dong Dutch, Stove Top Ronnie, Trumped Up Charge, Antwon's Boot, Real Bad Dad, Hey Glenn Close, Tavon's Iron, Strike Team, Slingin' n' Pimpin', Glenn Close?, Oh, Terry!, Greenlit, Hungry Like the Wolf, Chopfoot, What's Your Problem With Glenn Glose?, Vic's Jacket, Tweener Pussy, Claudette's Condition, Dutch Hates Cats, Julian's Closet, Rezian's Bookkeeper, Cuddler Rapist, No problem With Glenn Close, Armadillo's Dove, Lem's Locker, Ronnie's Fucked, It's Glenn Freakin' Close, Mara's Shoulder, Jackson's Truck, Guardo's Gotta Go, Aceveda's Photo, Blackmail Briefcase

*Inspired by #WireDerbyHorseNames on Twitter.

Avatar, oh Avatar

2010-05-05T08:57:00.001-07:00

The Bee's movie critic, Arch Cannon, just returned from a brief stay in a padded cell after "getting increasingly agitated during group sessions," and finally got a chance to see Avatar.

Avatar: 6 out of 10 padded cells

Arch said, "In the middle of the film, I thought about getting a haircut. I also thought about moving by desk and dresser. You know, mix up my room a bit. And maybe see if I could get a new floor lamp. Those were my favorite parts of the movie. I'm actually happy I saw the movie in 2D. It was one less dimension for it to suck in."

Gulf of Mexico & Weapon-Grade Oxi-Clean

2010-05-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

The Bee's senior investigative reporter has found evidence suggesting that Billy Mays, television informercial jaugernaut, was killed by the CIA. Mays had been secretly developing industrial-strength, weapon-grade Oxi-Clean and the US government was hellbent on acquiring it for military purposes (certainly not for environmental applications because why should the US government care about Earth?).

Ultimately, Mays outsmarted authorities and took his Atomi-Clean secrets with him to the grave. In a brilliantly executed strategic manuever, Mays managed to slip past federal agents who were surreptiously shadowing him during a blue button-down shirt delivery. Mays didn't sneak out in a pile of shirts. No, that's a rookie move. And Mays was no rookie. Straight-up juggernaut. Instead, he invited the federal agents to take some shirts, and while they were arguing whether or not it was ethical to take free merchandise - even if it was a gift - he simply drove off the premises in his Range Rover. [The Rover was fully loaded and featured a custom-paint job. The exterior was "Billy button-down blue" and the interior was "Billy khaki pants khaki."]

It's a shame Billy never completed his weapon-grade Atomi-Clean because the Gulf of Mexico could really use it right now.

"Just pour Atomi-Clean into an ocean, have a few tanker ships spin around a full 360 degrees and you're as good as new. Spotless reefs and clean animals. And if you order right now, I'll throw in a second container at no extra cost. All this can be yours - that's over forty tons of Atomi-Clean - for only $19,950,000!"

Woe is Not Me, Whoa! is Joey Lawrence

2010-05-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

New Lunch Special Met with Mixed Reactions

2010-05-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Shady Rest Rainstorm Cafe caused quite a commotion this afternoon when they surpised residents with a new special: a Turkey-fried Jellyfish Panini. "We're going to make Turkey-fried Jellyfish Panini Party work, even if we have to add a juice and Ruffles and make it a combo special," said Rainstorm Cafe Safari Co-Captain, Patrick Bobson, as he wrote "Potato Leek" in chalk on the daily specials board. When he was done, he put the chalk down, wiped off his hands and looked at the board. "Is that the right leek?" Bobson shrugged, grabbed his favorite yellow sponge and walked out.

Robin: "We're late for rehearsal!" Batman: "To the Bat-Stage!

2010-04-26T20:37:00.001-07:00

Breaking news from our Gotham City affiliate, Arkham Asylum... A Batman stage show is in the works, written by two men who also wrote on Batman: The Animated Series.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we've been unable to ascertain whether or not this production will include song and dance numbers.

Arkham had to end our conference call when yet another prisoner escaped and they went into lockdown. Fortunately, authorities apprehended the prisoner. Unfortunately, the prisoner escaped two hours later.

The Bee is trying to reestablish communication with Arkham, and we'll report any further developments - on the stage show, not the prisoner.

In the meantime, we'd like to offer an idea for a song and dance number:

He's Just A Boy - Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth duet. Bruce wants to invite Dick Grayson into the operation. Alfred's against it, mainly because he doesn't want to share Bruce with anyone.

Daily Bee, just like The Who, is Going Mobile

2010-04-24T23:35:00.001-07:00

In an ongoing effort to provide the Shady Rest community with comprehensive and up-to-the minute coverage, Daily Bee reporters, well, the reporter, was issued a mobile device and told simply to update the site more.

"The hell I will," the reporter said. "I'm only gonna use it for Twitter and Facebook."

"Well, just think about it," the managing editor pleaded.

The reporter laughed, grabbed the new phone and exited the office. After a beat, he came back in.

"What?!" the editor snapped.

The reporter politely asked, "Can I download ringtones?"

"Yes," the editor replied, "just don't go crazy."

"Um, yeah, okay, try to walk off the property. You can't. That's 'cause this place is a mental institution," the reporter barked.

The editor considered this for a moment. "Oh, right. Then yeah, go nuts."

United States Supreme Court of Ignorance

2010-04-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

During oral arguments in the case of City of Ontario v. Quon, Chief Justice John Roberts stopped the proceedings because he didn't know the difference between e-mails and texts. (Ontario v. Quon deals with police officers and their right to privacy with text messages)

In an exclusive interview with The Daily Bee, Chief Justice Roberts said, "I still don't understand how I can be cc'd on an e-mail and yet no actual carbon copy is ever presented. Are little tiny people inside the Internet shredding those flimsy pieces of paper? I should hope so."

At the end of the day, Chief Justice Roberts returned to Chambers and tried to send an e-mail on an intern's P-Touch Label Machine.

Earth Day 2010: Every Time You Slap a Hippie, a Manatee Burps

2010-04-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 40th anniversary of Earth Day and to commemorate this ocassion, the Shady Rest Rest-Stops wrote a poem today, and it's already receiving critical acclaim. The Rest-Stops are a comedy vocal group. Dr. Carlos Millar said, "Are you at all familiar with the Capitol Steps? They focus on current events and political satire with the intensely bland wit Leno wishes he used to have. And they sing. Dreadful. Awful, really. The Rest-Stops are fine -- they're just boring."

...Ladies and gentlemen, The Daily Bee proudly introduces The Shady Rest Rest-Stops and their brand new poem for Earth Day 2010...

EVERY TIME YOU SLAP A HIPPIE, A MANATEE BURPS

Every time you slap a hippie, a leaf grows. Every time you slap a hippie, a penguin jumps up and kicks its feet in the air.

Every time you slap a hippie, a manatee burps.

Every time you slap a hippie, Sara Palin gets bullied by a moose.

Every time you slap a hippie, Glen Beck spills mustard on the front of his jeans.

Every time you slap a hippie, Ann Coulter stabs her cornea with her mascara doodad.

Every time you slap a hippie, Dick Cheney gets a mesquite-n'-cheddar-flavored corn-nut stuck between his teeth.

Every time you slap a hippie, a wombat bites Bill O'Reilly in the nuts.

Every time you slap a hippie, Justin Bieber gets such a big pimple even ProActiv Acne Fighting System can't help.

Every time you slap a hippie, a choir sings "Go Fuck Yourself" to Bernie Goldberg and Fox News and Jon Stewart gets a residual.

Every time you slap a hippie, he/she will say, "What's with the violence, bro? I'm just twirlin'. Do you have drugs I can eat?"

Scram, you loitering, littering hippies. And remember, if you see a hippie today, slap 'em. Earth thanks you.

Scientists prove special brain-training games are not special, just boring

2010-04-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

A new study from England's Medical Research Council for Cognition & Brain Sciences Unit and the Alzheimer's Society UK reveals in this week's Nature that "brain-training games" may not increase brain function or IQ at all.

This comes as no surprise to Shady Rest lab tech Oliver Powell. "I spend countless hours pretending to work while really playing computer solitaire. But it hasn't been a complete waste of time. I've discovered, before the Brits by the way, that the more I practice computer solitaire, the better I get at computer solitaire. But that's it. Those skills don't translate to say, help me learn to ride a unicycle. The only thing my computer solitaire skills are good for is computer solitaire. Not even regular solitaire, which is really odd, but-- no, I'm all about the computer solitaire. I'm also all about my Ratt cover band, RattSkkin," Powell said as playing cards began to cascade over his monitor.

"We were gonna spell the name of our band: RatttSkkkin, but a few people found the three T's to be offensive. Hey, for my next game, I'm thinkin' about rockin' the tropical island deck. Or the rose is pretty. Rose now, island next. Good call, there, reporter. Anyway, the only activity I'm aware of that legitimately increases mental capacity and raises IQ is that new game show, Minute to Win It. I can actually feel myself getting smarter when I watch those people stack cups and then unstack 'em in under a minute. No, island now, rose next."

London Re-Opens Airspace, Residents Afraid of Cloud

2010-04-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

British transportation officials re-opened London-Heathrow airport today after the cloud of volcanic ash dissipitated and visibility returned to normal. A British spokeswoman said: "Visibility is back to 60% and London's airspace status has been elevated from Utterly Bleak to Dreary."

[Note: 60% visibility in England converts to 100% in the US.]

Earlier today at snacktime, just moments after the special brownies were passed out, a few residents caused quite a ruckus when they pointed to the sky and insisted that England's ash cloud had traveled across the Atlantic, all the way across America and parked its dark, grey gloomy ass over the City of Angels.

A Shady Rest helper calmed the group with one question: "What do you smell?"

A resident sniffed the air and murmured: "Dope. And farts. But mainly dope. Dope with a hint of fart."

"Well, there you go," the Helper said and left the room. The residents were shocked.

Another resident said: "You are a bad Helper, Helper."

Bi-Polar Polar Bear Club

2010-03-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

Instead of monthly treks down to the lake for the Shady Rest Polar Bear Club, the head of the Aquatic Center, Doug Shepard, thinks it's wise to move the event to every other month. Shepard said, "We're thrilled at the large turnouts, but it has it's dangers - namely, hypothermia. And without enough blankets, residents were asked to share. As you'd expect, that went really, really bad. So that's why I'm happy to announce the Polar Bear club will move to a bi-monthly schedule."

Several residents reacted harshly to this news thinking that the early winter morning swims would only be for bi-polar patients.

Shady Rest Helpers explained to patients after a trip to the mall that they were all welcome to come swim in the freezing morning water. This confounded, irritated and overjoyed the group.

One resident gleefully said, "I love the feel of the freezing water on my skin 'cause it makes me feel alive. Plus, it numbs my whole body which is good 'cause right after breakfast I get intensive, high-voltage electroshock treatment. And then after that, I just sorta chill until dinner."

The Legend of the World's Worst High School Spanish Teacher

2010-02-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

I enjoy listening to Salsa music and Mexican folk and Mexican rap and Mexi-merica fusion even though I don't have the slightest idea what any of them are saying.

That's because I had the worst Spanish teacher back in high school. If her students --later in life -- found themselves in a situation where it was crucial that they speak Spanish, this reporter only had one -- one phrase -- just one at his disposal -- "Yo tengo Mrs. Feenerman en my poket." "I have Mrs. Feenerman in my pocket." So, that's really great.

Back to the Drawing Board for Shady Rest Researchers

2010-01-31T19:25:00.000-08:00

Shady Rest researchers completed a vaccine for Exploding Head Syndrome late yesterday. Dr. Parnelli: "Our experiment was a success. Let me be very clear about that. We created a vaccine that causes EHS. That is undeniable. What's also undeniable is that we did the exact opposite of what we were asked to do. In our defense, we had a hard time focusing on the details of our assignment because right after that meeting, we were all going on a day trip to Knott's Berry Farm."

9th grader is, like, whatever JD Salinger's passing

2010-01-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

9th grader Todd Lagina doesn't care that the author of "Catcher in the Rye" died yesterday, he still won't read the book. Todd said, "I hate reading to begin with. And books are so over anyway. I'm not gonna read any of the books assigned just because they were assigned. Why would I want to read some old book just 'cause the dude who wrote it who I know absolutely nothing about died today? Of natural causes. I could see maybe being curious if he was, like, brutally murdered, but Saladger died in his sleep. Bor-ing... I'll just cheat off the Asian kid who sits next to me."

New Feature: Traffic & Weather Updates

2010-01-27T01:28:00.000-08:00

Traffic and Weather together every two minutes, all day, every day. Non-stop. Continuously.

The San Fernando Valley was hit with five straight days of rain last week, forcing the closure of the foot bridge.

Please be aware that even though the sun has returned and the weather is more agreeable, the bridge will not be open for foot traffic until the end of the week. The water level has returned safely below the bridge, but the bridge is still wet and will take a few more days to dry off.

“Caution” and “Careful: Wet Floor” signs have been posted to indicate the areas that should be avoided until the end of the week.

It has been brought to the Administration's attention that several residents believe the signs should read:

“Caution” & “Careful: Wet Ground”

The Administration thinks the issue is very important and very special and will consider it at the next board meeting.

Flight Forced to Land in Denver

2010-01-24T01:07:00.000-08:00

A United Airlines flight headed for Las Vegas was forced to divert and land in Denver after an unruly passenger attempted to enter the cockpit. Several passengers and flight attendants noticed the man who is currently being held for questioning. The man allegedly rushed to the cockpit door and attempted to pry it open. Several passengers restrained the man as the plane changed course and landed safely in Denver.

A flight attendant onboard said: “It's basically impossible to get into the cockpit while the plane is in flight. And don't get me started on how these plans even fly."

He waits for the reporter to ask, but the reporter just looks at him.

The flight attendant says: “Well, the plane flies with the help of science, obviously, but it's mostly caused by millions of microscopic flying unicorn wings flapping in the skies. (Indicates the sky) They're up there. We just can't see 'em."

Reporter: "Because the... unicorns are microscopic."

Flight Attendant: "No. They're magic."

Reporter stops taking notes and says: "I see. Thanks for your time." He starts to walk away.

The Flight Attendant follows and says:"Aviation is just as much magic as it is science."

The reporter threw his pen at the flight attendant and left.

Squirrels seem like they fuck a lot.

2010-01-23T01:30:00.000-08:00

When does "not yet" stop and "now" begin?

2010-01-19T02:26:00.000-08:00

I blame Mark Millar (DRAFT)

2010-01-16T00:34:00.000-08:00

Mark Millar used MySpace to promote Kick-Ass. He's the one who's stirring shit up right between Marvel and DC with his upcoming project with his "Civil War" partnern artist Steve McNiven. The upcoming project is "Nemesis." But you know all this stuff. It seems pretty clear to me that it Mark Millar is responsible for all of it...

Comic books have never been more popular than they are right now. History will show that we are in the midst of a new golden age of comic books. It's bigger than a golden age. This shit is platinum. Marvel comics just announced a promotional event where retailers and customers were asked to mail in unsold copies of DC Comic titles associated with their largest event of the year, "Blackest Night" by Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis.

The two companies have co-existed, albeit at a distance, for a long time and the relationship has been nothing short of neighborly. [need specifics, softball league?] So what's happened that caused Marvel to adopt a new promotions strategy?

Mark Millar is what happened. He was an orignal architect of Marvel's Ultimate Universe with the Ultimates and the introduction of the Ultimate Fantastic Four with Brian Michael Bendis. Due to health emergencies and other factors that i don't know about, led Millar to leave Marvel and venture into the world of independent comics. The result is nothing short extraordinary.

Millar wrote "Wanted" for Top Cow some time later. the comic book was an instant success and eventually got adapted into a feautre film and made buckets of money. And now his second comic book project, "Kick-Ass," is destined to set even higher totals.

"Nemesis" -- the cover art with Heath Ledger and Christian Bale from "Dark Knight" caused quite a stir a few weeks ago. And now Marvel announces this new trade-in promotion? Millar riled everyone up at Marvel.

A Look Back at 2009: Part 1 (Draft)

2009-12-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

Americans were asked to buy even more things in 2009, but two stick out as contenders for an end-of-the-year list. What's interesting is that we'll ultimately come to remember these two things because of the intense, "“Shock and Awe"-style they were promoted, instead of their quaility as a product. Which is sad because both items proved to be nothing but over-hyped nonsense. Of course, I’m talking about Swine Flu and the Nancy Meyers’ movie “It’s Complicated.”

Just a Friendly Suggestion to Legendary Actor John Malkovich

2009-12-11T01:06:00.000-08:00

John Malkovich is going to be the Vulture in "Spider-Man 4." Instead of going bald, which everyone will expect, he should wear his wig from "Dangerous Liaisons."

Every time Superman takes Batman into his arms and flies somewhere - after they land - Batman's "thank you" is always a little awkward.

2009-12-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

Grape Ape Brought in for Questioning in Red Hulk Mystery, Again

2009-10-20T01:17:00.001-07:00

Nobel Prize for Peace Awarded to President, Osborn Furious

2009-10-10T00:24:00.001-07:00

Norman Osborn, director of HAMMER, has created quite a stir since not being awared this year’s Nobel Prize for Peace. During a press conference this afternoon, Director Osborn said, “Since the Nobel committee doesn’t consider me to be the foremost advocate for peace on the planet, I will decimate their entire organization until they're wiped off the face of the earth. And after the massive amount of dust settles, I will go someplace nice and build my own Peace Organization -- where I will promote the balls off Peace, the likes of which the world has never seen."

Economy? Can't. Health Care? Please. Chicago as host city for next Olympics? Yes we can. Fascinating.

2009-09-30T21:34:00.001-07:00

In honor of his brothers, Ted Kennedy should be laid to rest on top of Marilyn Monroe.

2009-08-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

The burial plot above legendary actress Marilyn Monroe is still available.

German Scientists Offer Apology to Research Team of Blair and Witch

2009-08-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

Walter Cronkite Dies: George Clooney Quickly Issues Press Release Saying He's Sad, Thought about Cronkite Before

2009-07-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

When a celebrity dies, the American populace is only interested in two things: Was it murder? And, what do other celebrities think about it? With today’s passing of Walter Cronkite, celebrities have been quick to chime in with their thoughts. The Daily Bee Editorial Staff only wants to hear from one: award-winning journalist -- and Muppet -- Sam the Eagle.

Without a doubt, the single greatest superpower is the ability to knit really fast. Blink and there's a sweater.

2009-06-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

Blogger Idiot Perez Hilton Gets Bitch-Slapped, Twice

2009-06-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

Perez Hilton made outrageous comments after being allegedly beat up by a member of Will-i-am's bodyguards. GLAAD blasted Hilton for his use of an anti-gay slur.

[Note: Will-i-am spells his name like he wants. He doesn't follow the rules. He's a rule breaker. And a horrible, horrible speller.]

If John McCain could raise his arms, he'd be the father on Frasier.

2009-06-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

I thought I was infected with a virulent strain of swine flu, but it was just hiccups.

2009-04-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

American Swimmer, Like, Totally Busted

2009-02-01T21:44:00.001-08:00

Michael Phelps, one of the world's greatest atheletes, was seen smoking from a marijuana pipe and quickly put out a statement that his actions were regrettable and showed poor judgement. If given the opportunity to go back and replay the incident, Phelps said he would've done it differently. "I would've turned my back to the cameras, that's for sure. And I would've had more brownies. Those brownies were awesome. I had like two and then went back to the bong, but I should've stayed with the brownies, 'cause, like, those things are freakin' awesome. I'm going back now for more brownies. I'm gonna set the world record for eating weed brownies. Dude, brownies are just little personal cakes, bro."

Captain America Editorial

2009-01-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

When Steve Rogers returns from the dead and finds out that his old sidekick became the new Captain America, he's going to just say thank you and expect Bucky to hand the shield back. Bucky's not going to do that. Bucky's proven himself since taking on the role of Captain America. Bucky Barnes is Captain America. Steve Rogers used to be Captain America.

Hole Found in Bucket. Bucket Immediately Placed in Bigger Bucket.

2009-01-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

New Prison Juicer Rapes Pulp out of OJ

2008-12-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

OJ Simpson is writing a new book about what would happen in prison if he got gang-raped and then killed himself.

Batman Quits... to Swim?

2008-11-27T01:59:00.000-08:00

Batman #681. After more than a year of over-promotion and speculation, the Batman storyline "Batman RIP" came to its stunning conclusion today when Bruce Wayne apparently gave up the cowl to just, like, swim. Odd choice.

The Country Music Association just named Kenny Chesney Entertainer of the Year for the 4th time -- America responds by not caring for the 4th time

2008-11-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

Coffee Stunted My Emotional Growth.

2008-07-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'd rather hang out then be out.

2008-07-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

I just panicked, pressed the panic button on my new car key, but it didn't calm me down at all.

2008-07-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

It's hard to eat beans on a plate.

2008-04-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

Sinestro likes Bizarro Green Lantern more than he likes Bizarro Sinestro.

2008-04-16T20:30:00.001-07:00

I'm a super-hero. My kryptonite is crowds.

2008-04-16T20:25:00.002-07:00

My 2-Minute Drill Front Line: The β-Blockers from Ateno-town

2008-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I have a super power. I'm incapable of hearing things correctly... What's that?... Oh, of remembering things precisely.

2008-04-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

Is the carbonite used on Cloud City mined on Bespin or imported from another planet?

2008-04-06T21:36:00.003-07:00

Star Wars or Star Trek? It all comes down to body modification.

2008-04-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

As everyone is well aware, Levar Burton’s character on Star Trek: The Next Generation -- Geordi LA Forge -- wore a visor. The Bee has learned that VISOR is an acronym and stands for Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement.

Lobot, Lando Calrissian's charming aide pm Cloud City, wore a device that wrapped around the back of his head like modern-day headphones which enabled him to tap into the City’s central computer. Without a silly acronym.

Darth Vader doesn't count because he's more machine than man.

And yes, Luke had his hand replaced, but that's not funny.

I opted for street cred instead of watching Star Trek.

2008-04-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

Alan Scott, Golden Age Green Lantern, Issued Stop-Loss Order, Forced to Protect Iraqi Airpsace.

2008-04-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

Only geeks Yo-Yo. Well, only geeks know it's possible to Yo-Yo in zero gravity, but impossible to Walk the Dog.

2008-04-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

The Slinky is an example of the magnetic field of a solenoid. Thanks for coming out today, Slinky. You taught me something and are no longer fun.

2008-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

Astonishing Break, Uncanny Repair & Astonishingly Breaks Again

2008-03-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, I purchased a limited edition Astonishing X-Men Colossus statue, and I accidentally broke it when I took it out of the box. I spent that entire day meticulously glueing the statue back together. I did a phenomenal job. A few years went by and I forgot that my Colossus statue was ever broken in the first place. That is until today when I accidentally knocked it off my desk and it broke again. This time I learned my lesson: no more superheroes on the desk. I put my Lex Luthor bust there instead. You know, 'cause it's obviously a villain desk.

I was invited to an event tomorrow evening that starts at 7pm. If I arrive promptly at 7pm, I'll be the first one there... 7:15pm then.

2008-03-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

The Romans, not the Spartans, salted the fields of Carthage so crops would never grow there again. Salt... I’m thirsty.

2008-03-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

Every maniac has a girlfriend and I’m alone.

2008-03-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

The woman who sat on her toilet for two years, to the point where it fused to her skin and she had to have it surgically removed... she has a boyfriend. Me? I'm alone. Menendez brothers? They got married. In prison after being convicted of killing their parents. Me? No manslaughter charges and I'm still not dating anybody. Perfect.

HBO Presents: Character Actors Fight for Independence

2008-03-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

HBO's John Adams mini-series premiered last night. Based on David McCullough's biography, producers made a few interesting casting choices. The lead role of John Adams went to the manager from Cinderella Man; George Washington was portrayed by the villain from Disturbia; and Ben Franklin was played by the crazy attorney from Michael Clayton.

The Continental Congress scenes looked exactly like the back of money.

Southwest Airlines, Now With Hand Release

2008-03-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

A man on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested last week after he allegedly masturbated next to a sleeping female passenger. The woman woke up to find an odd man staring at her and a sticky substance in her hair. Flight attendants only remember seeing the man move next to the woman during the flight. The victim has hired an attorney and plans on filing charges against Southwest.

The alleged perpetrator said, “If I had more leg room, I would’ve raped her.”

Up until today I didn't know how to spell "tensile strength" and thought it was "utensile strength."

2008-03-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ordered Wii-inhaler, Will Arrive in 4-6 Weeks

2008-03-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

As previously reported, one resident's finely honed digital character on the floor Wii-game system has developed Wii-sports induced asthma. A Shady Rest doctor prescribed a Wii-inhaler to resident Jeffrey Evans this morning. Evans said, "I feel great. It was hard at first. You know, 'cause I thought it was a real inhaler. The, uh, laser thingy sorta burned my throat. Craziest thing. It just tickled at first, but then a few minutes later, whoa boy, it was all sort of horrible... Everything's fine now, except I can't eat hot foods or cold foods, anything with a crust... room temperature shakes mostly... Bowled a bunch of turkeys, though, so that totally makes it worth it."

I have Wii-sports induced asthma.

2008-03-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

Oscar Tributes King of Pop

2008-02-24T17:44:00.000-08:00

The 80th Academy Awards telecast began with a digitally animated segment that can only be described as Hollywood's tribute to Michael Jackson's video "Leave Me Alone." Jackson watched the show at an undisclosed location. Jackson said, "Um, I... um... Do you like my soul patch? I just started growing it. Hamanaheehee! Hoo!"

I like to freehand graph paper.

2008-02-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

Curry Bushs in Africa

2008-02-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

Arusha, Tanzania. President George Bush and First Lady Laura Bush were interviewed this morning by Ann Curry on the Today show. Curry asked the President if he thought his administration's fight against HIV/AIDS and malaria in Africa was “god’s work.”

Bush replied, “This is probably not a politically correct thing to say, but h-e-double hockey-sticks, yes.” If there's one person in America who shouldn't be worried about political correctness, it's certainly the President.

Barry the Tanzanian Devil was unavailable for comment.

C U Next Tuesday, Jane Fonda

2008-02-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

Studio 1A, Rockefeller Plaza. The light, fluffy banter typically associated with Today was disgraced with gutter talk this morning by Jane Fonda. During a live interview to promote her work in The Vagina Monologues, Fonda said the word “cunt.” Meredith Vieira made her patented grossed-out face and exhaled sharply.

In her dressing room during the commercial break Vieira said, “We do hard news here, but with a fun attitude. That’s why I left The View. I was sick of all that contentious bullshit. Fuckin’ Fonda… Look, you have to excuse me. I have to calm down. I’m making meat balls with the entire Scotto family in ten minutes."

No. 1 Drops No. 2 Today

2008-02-13T07:26:00.000-08:00

An unlikely champion emerged at the fabled Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. A beagle named Uno took home the coveted Best in Show award. Uno and his handler, Aaron Wilkerson, were bombarded with interview requests, and haven't had an opportunity yet to relax and savor their victory. Until Today.

This morning on Today, Uno and Aaron were interviewed by Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira. When the questions became more about Aaron, Uno proceeded to take a dump on Aaron's shoe. Aaron then expertly flicked it onto Matt's loafer. During the rest of the interview, Matt tried to surreptitiously move the dump over towards Meredith.

Ann Curry, Natalie Morales and Hoda Kotb saw the whole thing and couldn't stop themselves from laughing. After sending viewers over to Al Roker, Meredith quickly turned around and snapped at the women, "What're you laughing at?!"

In a high-pitched voice, the ladies replied, "Nothing."

Girlfriends Dumped, Told Not Them

2008-02-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

Rio de Janeiro. There are things in this world that defy reason. Take the CW network's abrupt cancellation of Girlfriends. Without so much as a ten second promo, the world had no idea that What's Black-A-Lackin' and Stand and Deliver were going to be the final episodes of a series that was on for eight years. At precisely 9:57pm, the exact moment the show ended, this statue was struck by lightning. Reports of people hearing "Oh, hell no" echoed throughout the hillside has flooded messageboards.

There Will Be Risotto Trailer

2008-02-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

Caption reads: "Omaha, Nebraska, 1932." A pot of simmering broth… rice browns in a frying pan... the broth is added... the mixture starts to boil... “Explosive,” says Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

There Will Be Risotto reunites There Will Be Blood director Paul Thomas Anderson and actor Daniel Day Lewis. Set several years after There Will Be Blood, Daniel Plainview has long since retired from the oil business. He purchased a lot in Omaha with his remaining holdings, and opened a small diner: Plainview’s Risotto Café.

Daniel Plainview addresses a town meeting. Plainview, “I’ve traveled half this state tonight to talk to you about risotto. I’m a risotto man. I’ve made risotto in eighteen counties. I know the kind of rice to buy, how much broth to use and so forth. Other companies will try and sell you pre-made risotto packs, but I assure you, the quality is alarmingly substandard. I’m the only one who knows the authentic recipe for risotto.”

Plainview makes risotto. “Once you allow me to get to work, I can guarantee that within one week of this establishment's opening, the fluffy, white gold will be on everyone’s dinner table."

It’s dark. Close on Plainview, lit only by a candle. Plainview, “I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed at making risotto.” Fade to black. There Will Be Risotto Coming Soon.

Pedro Martinez Unveils New Pitch

2008-02-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

Dominican Republic. New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez showed off a new pitch this week. “A cock ball,” as Martinez describes it, “wobbles in at about 90 mph, then drops at the plate. It’s like a slider that clucks.”

Hall of Famer Juan Marichal, Martinez’s pitching coach said, “Pedro’s cock ball is a thing of beauty. All we have to do is figure out a way to pitch chickens instead of the standard Major League baseballs.”

Star Accidentally Took Handful of Pills

2008-02-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

NYC. Medical examiners officially announced Heath Ledger’s death was caused by an accidental overdose of prescription medication. Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Stephen Schole stated, “Mr. Ledger did not intend to end his life. I think it's clear he was hoping to get, in what we in the medical community refer to as, ‘High as a motherfucker’.”

Über Baby Tuesday

2008-02-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

Ludwigshafen, Germany. Fire in an apartment building took several lives a few days ago. The tragedy would've been worse had it not been for the extraordinarily heroic efforts of one very special person. In this stunning photograph, a miracle baby flies up to rescue those still trapped inside the burning structure. Notice how the baby effortlessly floats upward, accessing the situation, never taking his eyes off the victims.

Dubbed Fliege-Baby by the youth of Germany, (German for Fly Baby), this wunderkind has been spotted over Hamburg, Frankfurt and East Milkshake.

Fliege-Baby's identity has yet to be uncovered. Reports that this special flying baby lived in the building that caught fire were proven to be false, as that baby wears glasses.

Dad Says John Mayer, Jack Johnson Sound Identical

2008-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

Bob Norwiki insists that it's "close to impossible" to tell the difference between John Mayer and Jack Johnson. His son, David, 16-year old and self-proclaimed music genius said, “Mayer does Waiting on the World to Change, and Johnson does Banana Pancakes. They sound nothing alike. My dad’s retarded.”

“No car this weekend!” his father yelled from the other room.

David shrieked, “I hate you!"

Perverse Town Celebrates Teen Abduction

2008-02-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

Punxsutawney, PA. Parents were reunited with their only child today after suffering through a treacherous ordeal. Gary Groundhog, 15, was kidnapped from his home at approximately 7:25am. Marla Groundhog said, “Gary was on the couch watching tv, and I was making breakfast, when all of a sudden, he was gone. I was horrified. And then after about twenty minutes, which felt like an eternity, he just wandered back in."

Gary, while calmy gnawing on a log in his bedroom said, "All these people just stood there, taking pictures, calling me Phil. I felt hopeless. Do I even look like a Phil? I mean, come on. Not at all, right?"

This exclusive photo, seen here for the first time, is from a nearby ATM camera taken at the time of the abduction. Sheriff Tommy Lee Groundhog is looking for links between today's incident and a string of annual groundhog abductions, dating back 122 years. Tommy Lee said, "We're building a profile based on eyewitness testimony and forensic evidence taken from the scene. And if I'm right, we have about a year before he'll strike again. The clock," Gary added as he put on sunglasses, "is ticking."

Massachusetts Adds HOOV Lane

2008-02-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Rehoboth, Mass. The town’s main thoroughfare was closed for several hours after a peculiar accident involving a motorist and two cows. A woman was driving her daughter home when, according to police, two cows entered her lane and slammed into her vehicle. After making sure her daughter was fine, the driver wanted to check on the animals. It was at this point that one of the cows tried to carjack her. The woman grabbed her daughter and fled. The woman said, “I just kept running until I couldn’t hear that bell.”

When the police and fire department arrived on the scene, the cow was still in the car. Police took the cow into custody and hog-tied the animal in less than ten seconds, insuring twenty bonus points. One officer said, “Who knows why the cow didn’t drive away? I guess it’s just too hard to shift with hooves.”

Police found the second cow nearby in a field, drunkenly singing How to Save a Life by the Fray.

Spice Girls Cancel World Tour, World Says Thanks

2008-02-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Spiceshire. The Spice Girls announced the cancellation of their world tour today due to poor ticket sales. As one young Dublin girl said, "They're all, like, older than me mum's mum."

The speculation that Posh used a stand-in during costume changes seems to have become a non-issue. However, because of our tireless devotion to news, The Bee has discovered incontrovertible evidence that Posh was in fact using a stand-in. The stand-in has been identified as the DC18 Dyson-slim upright vacuum with Quick-draw Telescope-reach wand. The vacuum declined comment.

Oh UN, What Art Thou Thinking?

2008-02-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

During a press conference yesterday, the United Nations named George Clooney as its latest peace envoy. His duties will include giving lectures about the current state of the world's gay animal population. Clooney gained notoriety playing the hunky handyman, George Burnett, on The Facts of Life, and as Sparky the gay dog on South Park. Clooney said, “I’ve been involved with projects that highlighted censorship in journalism, nuclear proliferation and did a number on the Batman franchise. And that's been rewarding. But do you know how many gay animals there are in the world? Exactly. You don't. I do. I had a pet pig. He wasn't gay, but we shared a bed together."

A UN spokesperson said that Clooney was not replacing Bono. "Bono is just taking time off to select another pair of rose-colored sunglasses."

McCain Goes Commando on Romney

2008-01-31T16:22:00.000-08:00

Simi Valley, CA. At the last Republican debate before Super Tuesday, tensions erupted when Mitt Romney and John McCain went toe-to-toe over the issue of Iraq. Romney was infuriated by what he called McCain's "Nixon-like" tactics when talking about proposed timetables for withdrawal from Iraq. McCain simply laughed if off as he traced his hand and drew a turkey.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee pleaded for time to speak, but was sternly shh’d by Anderson Cooper. At one point Huckabee said, “There are other candidates who –,“ and Cooper cut him off with another shh followed by a glare, coupled with a warning finger point.

Ron Paul was there.

Gayle's Endorsement Shocks Barack, Harpo

2008-01-31T06:32:00.000-08:00

Long before John Edwards' announcement that he was "suspending" his race for President, pundits have been speculating who the two remaining Democratic front-runners will choose as their running mates. The Daily Bee is reporting that Barack Obama is strongly considering Oprah Winfrey. When Gayle King was asked for comment, she shocked the nation by endorsing Hillary Clinton. Gayle said, "I agree with Hillary's economic views, but more importantly, she believes that it's the driver's prerogative, regardless of status, to pick the radio station. And Hillary likes my singing."

Why Y Was Y

2008-01-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

The critically-acclaimed, fan-adored comic book Y-The Last Man came to an end today with issue #60. Created by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra, Y was about Yorick Brown's search to find his girlfriend, Beth, after a mysterious plague killed every man on Earth. The book grabbed readers from page one with it's blend of science-fiction, social commentary and romance. But the undeniable heart of this story was the relationship between Yorick and his monkey.

Jesse Custer, webmaster of Ythelastfan.com, stated, “The curtains have been drawn on this destined-to-be classic. I have all the issues, but I don't want to take them out of their plastic bags. I guess I’ll start reading She-Hulk. She’s an attorney.”

Redcoats Honour Cinema, Telly

2008-01-29T16:03:00.001-08:00

At last night’s 12th annual South Bank Awards ceremony, JK Rowling finally announced the title of the last Potter film... Harry Potter Makes JK A Bloody Fortune.

Some notable winners from the auspicious evening included:

Best Feature Film – No Country For Old Mates

Best Telly Comedy – The Office (*also won Best New Telly Comedy - the show is based on the American version of the British hit)

Best Telly Drama – CSI: Sheffield

Best Telly Game Programme - Eat! That! Porridge!

Pipe Organ Donor Has Kidney Stolen

2008-01-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

Dave Rickenharp, longtime resident of Shady Rest, was admitted to the Surgical Ward after suffering complications from a botched, black-market surgery. Rickenharp said, “My family inherited one of the oldest concert halls in America. Despite the nostalgic value, it became clear the property was quickly devouring the family’s resources, and we were forced to sell. Before the sale, I was responsible for finding a suitable home for our antique pipe organ. Due to a language difference and a series of unfortunate circumstances beyond my control, I made the mistake of traveling to India to meet with a possible candidate, a man by the name of Doctor Horror Organsnatcher. My first reaction was, ‘That’s a silly name.’ But then I thought, who am I to say a name sounds funny? My middle name is Manheim. During the interview, I tried to explain to Dr. Organsnatcher about the organ I wanted him to take from me. Next thing I know, I woke up in a tub filled with ice and my stomach wrapped in gauze.”

Stick 'em Up, Carol Channing

2008-01-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

On Friday, Carol Channing was in a Palm Desert bank when it was robbed. Channing said, “I was in the bank, you know, handling my finances. Actually, it was just my cash winnings from the slots in Tahoe. You can ski there without a jacket on. It’s that warm, it's extraordinary. So at the bank, some guys in president-masks ran in and shouted, ‘This is a stick up! Hit the floor!’ I'm making that up. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t even know the bank was robbed until I walked outside and reporters asked me what it was like to be in the bank while it was being robbed. So naturally, I turned it on and made something up. It helped that I was out of breath. You know, from lugging seventy-two dollars in quarters to the bank. Not to mention my purse, which is already packed to the brim with Sweet-n-Low, Velamints and my Colt 45. Incidentally, have you seen the new Rambo? Wowzers. He is quite the hunky psychopath.”

Body Found, CNN Starts Saying Stacy Peterson

2008-01-26T07:27:00.000-08:00

Chicago. The body of an unknown dead woman was found in a canal on Friday. Before a fingerprint was even taken, CNN’s Anderson Cooper reported that the body could be Stacy Peterson. Stacy is the wife of Drew Peterson who’s been missing for three months. Drew Peterson is currently the prime suspect in his wife’s disappearance.

Cooper stressed each time he said the body could be Stacy Peterson that it very well might not be Stacy Peterson. Without any confirmation, it’s impossible to know for sure, but it is conceivable the body is that of Stacy Peterson. CNN dedicated the rest of the night to investigating the possible ways the dead body could only be Stacy Peterson.

Alleged Hijacker Fan of Hannah Montana

2008-01-25T11:18:00.000-08:00

Nashville. Gloria Allred sprinted to the scene and put out a statement for her latest client: the teenager accused of allegedly trying to hijack a Southwest Airlines plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert. Allred, in a Grand Ol' Opry-inspired, red business jacket and skirt said, "There is no evidence whatsoever that my client had any plans to either hijack an airplane or crash it into a concert. And these allegations about using the duct tape to abduct Miley Cyrus, which you the media continue to drum up, are simply preposterous. My client has a severe dandruff condition and uses that duct tape as a dandruff remover because it's hypo-allergenic. I have a whole slew of experts who will testify to the all-natural, organic dandruff-removing enzymes in duct tape."

When asked to clarify varying reports that the teenager also had hand-cuffs, rope and detailed schematic drawings of the stadium where Hannah Montana was performing, as well as a Hannah shrine in his room and temporary tattoo on his forearm, Allred abruptly cut the interview short. "I have to cut this interview short thereby ending it abruptly," Allred said. "I have to catch a flight to New York and meet with that Ledger masseuse."

Boy Really Loves McNuggets

2008-01-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

Tommy, an eight year-old Shady Rest resident, told his mother at the dinner table that he only likes chicken if it’s in the form of a McNugget. Tommy’s mother insisted that the store bought chicken she cut up for him was “the same thing as McNuggets.”

“Nu-uh,” Tommy said, as he stomped his feet and dramatically marched out of the room.

The Joker Found Dead, No Comment from Batman

2008-01-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

Heath Ledger, actor made famous for his role in Brokeback Mountain and as the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie, was found dead in his NYC apartment by his masseuse from an apparent drug overdose. Jack Twist (cowboy) and Batman (defender of Gotham) couldn't be reached for comment, as the two went into the mountains to reflect on the life and times of Ledger while hugging in a tent.

Guiness Announces World’s Largest Pool, Toilet

2008-01-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

The Guiness Book of World Records announced that the San Alfonso del Mar in Argarrobo, Chile has the largest outdoor swimming pool in the world. Nearly one thousand yards in length, the seawater pool provides swimmers and boaters with a truly one-of-a-kind experience. Which is why The Guiness Book of World Records also announced today that the San Alfonso del Mar in Argarrobo, Chile also has the world’s largest outdoor toilet.

Dr. Phil Tries to Help Another Female Pop Star

2008-01-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

Desperate to help someone famous with his down-to-earth, good old-fashioned country wisdom he based solely on Uncle Jessie from The Dukes of Hazzard, Dr. Phil McGraw grabbed his Tommy Bahama travel tote and headed to South America to visit with music sensation, Shakira. Dr. Phil said, "Her family did not contact me, but I think her music is infectious."

Shakira appreciated the offer. She shimmied voraciously and replied, “Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay… I'm good, no thank you.”

Carrie Bradshaw Wins Triple Crown in Ugly by Nose

2008-01-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Maxim magazine voted Sarah Jessica Parker the most unattractive female celebrity in Hollywood.

Clarabelle Cow (dating Horace Horsecollar), Starla Spacely (wife of Sprockets mogul, George Spacely), Ann Curry and Suri Cruise (Hubbard spawn) rounded out the Top Five.

Nevada Caucus 2008: Vegas Getting Sleepy

2008-01-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

Las Vegas, NV. Just as Washington insiders predicted, two candidates took substantial leads over the rest of the field. One is an African American man. One is a woman. Both are hypnotists:

JUSTIN TRANZ. Tranz headlines Hip-Nosis at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel. Tranz has been performing hypnosis longer than anyone else is Vegas. His show is known for its high energy and animal-print suits.

MICHELLE VAN REE. Van Ree, "America's Favorite Hypnotist," stars in Hypnolarious at the Bourbon Street Hotel. Along with her dog, Deogee, the duo lulls audiences to sleep five nights a week.

Brad Renfro Dies: Unexpected, Yet Expected

2008-01-19T09:47:00.000-08:00

Tragedy struck Hollywood after another young up-and-coming actor stopped becoming. Brad Renfro died this week at the age of 25. Renfro left a journal, detailing notes on future projects, and The Bee won it at auction on eBay. The last entry is a rough outline for a sequel of sorts to Lars and the Real Girl. Renfro’s project was entitled, Brad and the Real Rhino. The following are Renfro's actual notes:

Who is Brad? -- failed musician -- taunts rhino, banned from zoo -- can't see rhino -- special connection with rhino, world can't know about him and rhino -- buys expensive as shit toy rhino -- hangs out with rhino -- after freebase marathon, rhino tells Brad to kill himself.

UFO Sightings a Prank, Not Start of Alien Invasion

2008-01-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

Stephenville, TX. After several residents reported seeing lights in the sky, moving at variable rates of speed without making any noise, talk of Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy attacking earth riled this small Texas town into a frenzy. The Stephenville Police Department conducted an investigation and determined the "UFO's" were not part of the invasion foretold by Scientologists, but simply a prank by seniors at neighboring Steveville High School.

Lohan Takes Lead Over Spears in Crazy Race '08

2008-01-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

As further punishment for her 2007 drunk driving arrests, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to two days of community service in an emergency room. Lohan told the judge, “I can do that. I’ve been to the hospital tons of times, I got my blood type tattooed on my forearm. See? (holds out arm) Put AB-Negative Here. And that's a dolphin.”

The judge then ordered Lohan to serve two more days of community service. The judge said, “Her reckless disregard for herself and others demonstrates her inability to see the consequences of her actions. That's why I've ordered Ms. Lohan to serve two more days, this time at the City Morgue." What Lohan doesn't know is that all the bodies in the morgue will be people who committed suicide right after seeing I Know Who Killed Me.

4 Score and 7 Years Ago, Librarian Screws Up

2008-01-17T15:55:00.000-08:00

Washington DC. An official for the Library of Congress stated today that the Library just fixed two major filing errors, and one was, "Like, ancient." Photographs from Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural induction on March 4, 1865 were incorrectly filed with photographs from Ulysses S. Grant’s administration. A man who noticed the error, clearly possessing x-ray vision, immediately contacted the Library. The reader's name? Let's just say it ends with uperman.

The second filing error, while not over one hundred years old, was even more glaring. This "Mission Accomplished" photograph was placed in a file marked US Accomplished Mission in Iraq, and was supposed to be filed under US Hasn't Accomplished Mission in Iraq Even Though Bush Said So.

The Library will report all future errors on their website under incorrect subject headings, and then start a blog detailing the corrections as they are made.