"Twilight" Fatality

While trying to get in line two days early for a Comic-Con "Twilight" panel, a 53-year-old woman tripped off the sidewalk and was struck by an oncoming car. She was startled by sparkling lights and thought it was a vampire, not the headlights of a Scion.

The Tail-end of the Tale of the Shady Rest Shabby Tabby That Had to Go Splatty

...not eggs & ham, megs of ram. and who said they have to be green? probably that cat. who I will hit with a bat & make cat go splat.

A Swift Kick in the Ass

The following is a departure from the generally mediocre comedy that this blog strives for...

I found out today that my college roommate died, leaving behind 2 little kids and a wife. I hadn't spoken to him since graduation. Truth be told, I hated him and thought he was an asshole. But today, I find myself so incredibly sad about it and I can't figure out why. I'm not in a dramatic state. This entry is a baby step for me. I still hate him. And while it's simply part of life, sometimes life can be really hard. I find it's not helpful to play "what if" games and I'm not questioning my life. I just think it's kinda funny that while I really fuckin' hated him, I'm sad he's gone... even though we never would've spoken.

And that's my swift kick in the ass!

Mallets Awhorebought: New, Inadvertant Legal Term Introduced

Any Intro to Law course, anywhere, high school, college, prison - will include a discussion about the principle known as "malice aforethought." Anyone who took one of those courses wouldve been a welcome addition to today's case.

A resident, Cuebert Rathrath, stood trial this morning for being suspected of breaking into his own room and stealing things while on a supervised 3day. Rathrath's fate lay in the hands of the all-resident jury. The judge, Helper Lance, told the jury to think about the legal concept of malice aforethought while deliberating.

Jury Foreman Walton Goggles said, "We all heard mallets awhorebought. All of us. If we all heard it, we all heard it. And! And, RathyRathRath had all those mallets in his cubby. It's not like we built up an elaborate conspiracy theory - that'd be crazy. We're crazy. I'm crazy, but my ideas aren't. Actually. That's a lie, I shouldn't have been jury foreman. But whatever, I'm done, box is checked and it's not even lunch time yet."

The New Math: Jacksonometry

Theorem #1: Reggie > Michael > Phil > Randy > Bo > Andrew > Stonewall.

Theorem #1a: Browne > Pollock.

Theorem #2: Janet > Victoria > Latoya

Theorem #3: Heights > Hole

Ties are just thinner, shorter capes you wear backwards.