Shady Rest Safety Bulletin: Predator Alert Issued, Quickly Recalled

Shady Rest, CA. At 8:06am this morning, Shady Rest Community Safety Captain Bolden Grooks was out on her lawn doing her Tai-Chi stretches when she saw what appeared to be a mountain lion roaming along the Shady Rest Promenade. Grooks immediately dropped out of Depressed Dog and called authorities, who then issued an OBS Alert, also known as an Orange & Brown-Stripe Alert. 45 minutes later, at 8:51am, the Alert was officially recalled after Shady Rest Security Forces, many former Blackwater employees, surveyed the scene and determined that the mountain lion in question was none other than long-time Shady Rest resident, Tony the Tiger.

Upon his release from the Shady Rest Detention Center a few hours later, Tony's spirits remained high. Tony said, “Those guys were just doing their jobs. I mean, I have kids, so I get it. Security is important. And let me say that Bolden and the entire Shady Rest Administration are grrrrrrrrrrrr — (coughs) – pardon me. My larnyx is sore after being clotheslined repeatedly and thrown over the interrogation table by my head."