Bleeker: An Upcoming Shady Rest Joint

LOGLINE: Bleeker is Juno, but from Paulie Bleeker’s point-of-view. (“Paulie” sounds like Paulie Shore, and that's unacceptable)

TEASER TRAILER:

EXT. SCHOOL TRACK - DAY
Juno and Bleeker are standing, talking.
Announcer (VO): "Previously, on Juno..."
Juno: "I'm pregnant."
Announcer (VO): "And now, Bleeker..."
Bleeker: “Well, I think you should do what you think is right. I mean, it is your vagina and uterus, and stuff. I know if there was a decision my penis and balls and stuff had to make with me, I wouldn’t want anyone getting between us.”
Juno: “Don’t personify your junk.”
Bleeker: “You do.”
Juno: “Did. I did. Once. I referred to my junk as a cat. Regrettable experience."
Bleeker: "You said it all feline and sexy."
Juno: "Zip it, Bleeker."

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL TRACK - LATER
Bleeker and Vijay (Aman Johal) are running, talking.
Bleeker: “She's always worried I don't have enough clean pairs of underpants, or what I had for lunch, or why I'm sneezing."
Vijay: "Still haven't told your mom you knocked up Juno?"
Bleeker: "Good day to no, sir."
Vijay smirks.
Bleeker: "I'm still trying to find a more elegant phrase than 'I knocked up Juno.'"
Vijay: "Try, 'What's for dinner, Mom? I mean, Grandma.'"
Bleeker: "Also an option. For things not to say. Do you think you could come with me when I tell her?"
Vijay: "For, like, support?"
Bleeker: "Well, yeah, for nonverbal support, primarily."
Vijay: "Oh, that's cool. Not a chance, Bleeker."
Vijay keeps laughing as he runs off.
Bleeker: "You're... not close enough to hear me. Vigay."

CUT TO:

INT. BLEEKER'S BASEMENT - LATER
Bleeker puts fresh sock balls into a basket as Mark Loring (Jason Bateman) stands there with a small keyboard.
Announcer (VO): "Previously, on Juno..."
Mark addresses the camera.
Mark: "I left my wife to fulfill my dream of being in a band. And Juno gave her kid to my ex."
Announcer (VO): "And now, another look at next summer's Bleeker..."
Mark: “You don’t need a woman when you have a band, man.”
Bleeker: “Juno plays rhythm guitar in the band.”
Mark: “Oh."
A beat.
Mark: "You guys need an organ player?”
Bleeker: “Not that I can think of, no.”
Mark: “Well, if you ever do, call me.”
Mark offers him a business card.
Bleeker: “I don’t know why we would though.”
Mark: “I’m just saying, if the situation arises, I’m your man.”
Mark continues to hold out his card.
Bleeker: “We’ve really grown close as a band, you know, with the underage pregnancy and all. I can’t recall an instance when anyone said, ‘This situation requires someone off to the side playing a synthesizer.’”
Mark: “Will you just take my business card?”
Bleeker: “I'd really prefer not to."
Mark: “Why?"
Bleeker: “Well, you’re a musician, and yet you have a business card.”
Mark: “And?”
Bleeker: “That’s it. Thought completed. I don’t have another thought formed yet. When I do, though, I’ll tell you. Or, if you give me your card, I could call you.”
Mark tosses the card at him.
Mark: "You're a jerk, Paulie."
Bleeker: "It's Bleeker. Bleek if you're nasty."

JUNO - 10 MONTHS (out of 9 MONTHS. 10's great for a movie, but not for a baby)

The 3 M's of Michael Clayton: Money, Morality & Masterful Baking

Wonderful film with more than enough holes in the plot to generate an entire afternoon's worth of spirited conversation and debate. Thought-provoking, or merely sleep-inducing? Who's to say? I am. I prefer the former... (The first one)

1. Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson) faked his meltdown during and after the deposition. It was a desperate way to get out of not having to be honest in court.

2. At some point, Arthur fancied himself to be Jerry Maguire. He wanted to go run off with Anna and have a kid who constantly recites facts. Why else would Arthur have a thousand folders made, complete with cardstock covers? Because he'd go back and forth between moments of hubris and cowardice. He envisioned himself as a savior marching into the court room after everyone read his manifesto. But then he thought: "What if they don't like it?... Yeah, screw that. Let's just put that receipt here in this kid's book and forget about it." That's why Michael found the receipt.

3. Henry Clayton (Austin Williams) had a better legal mind than his father, Michael. Henry knew all the rules to his new role-playing game. But it's not just a game. No. It's life. Not the game, Life. Henry's a prodigy. He was constantly telling his father: "You gotta know all this stuff if you want to be successful in this new world," and Michael didn't care. Which sadly, was clear to Henry.

Meanwhile, crazy Arthur was busy highlighting passages and writing detailed, non-medicated notes in the margins. That's why Arthur was talking to Henry late at night on the phone. To get life advice. Nothing creepy about life advice.

4. Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton) was so busy orchestrating murders and concealing her company’s involvement producing carcinogens that she forgot to put anti-perspirant on one of her armpits.

5. Arthur's love of fresh, baked bread was real. This can't be adjusted. He'd think to himself: "I wonder what Shiva the God of Death ate. Probably some kind of bread. Hey, I know a bakery through the alley that makes the greatest bread. I should go buy as many loaves as I can carry." So he did.

8 CAPSULES (out of 10 CAPSULES)

My Thoughts On “No Country For Old Men”

I remember learning about the concept of “constructive criticism” when I was in the fifth grade. I will not use it with my critique for “No Country For Old Men,” written and directed by the Coen brothers. This movie sucked hard.

1. The movie suffered from not having a soundtrack. I suggest Fergie and Carrie Underwood. Any duet to help the world forget about the Reba McEntyre/Kelly Clarkson fiasco.

2. Instead of being a small-town sheriff, Tommy Lee Jones’s character should’ve been a member of a secret international security force, the last line of defense for earth, known to a select few as the Men in Black. I suggest renaming the movie “No Country For Old Men in Black.”

3. The story lacks a climactic fight scene. Anton Chugurh has an industrial strength blow-gun. Llewelyn Moss should therefore be equipped with some kind of mega suck-device. When they finally confront each other, Moss should go after the bowl cut, and try to feather back Chugurh's sides. Winner takes all, including the boots. In the ensuing struggle, Chugurh can still win, but should come close to dying when his ears get either blown off, or sucked off, with the appropriate blood splatter effect thrown in.

4. Clarify the conflict between Chugurh and Woody Harrelson’s character. I think it’d be compelling if they both agreed to get the same big boy-bowl haircut and at the last minute, Woody backed out.

5. Instead of Texas, the movie should’ve been set in North Dakota. The Coen’s write that state funny. Regardless of location, someone needs to get tossed in a wood chipper.

6. Raise the financial stakes for Llewelyn. The script alludes to his obsession with boots. Maybe Llewelyn asked the mob to get him black market chupacabra-skin boots, thinking it'd just make him look tough. But then they managed to get their hands on some authentic boots, and Llewelyn finds himself in need of money, fast.

7. The jewel of the film is without a doubt Kathy Lamkin, the Desert Aire Manager. Explore her obsession with keeping up on every detail of the Moss’s whereabouts. I think Kathy found out Carla-Jean started taking a pole-dancing class, and she’s always curious to see what she’ll wear.

8. Three words: Donny and Marie. Make the original buyer of the dope Jimmy Osmond, the bearded one. Donny and Marie conduct a song and dance intervention at Christmas.