Star Accidentally Took Handful of Pills

NYC. Medical examiners officially announced Heath Ledger’s death was caused by an accidental overdose of prescription medication. Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Stephen Schole stated, “Mr. Ledger did not intend to end his life. I think it's clear he was hoping to get, in what we in the medical community refer to as, ‘High as a motherfucker’.”

Alleged Hijacker Fan of Hannah Montana

Nashville. Gloria Allred sprinted to the scene and put out a statement for her latest client: the teenager accused of allegedly trying to hijack a Southwest Airlines plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert. Allred, in a Grand Ol' Opry-inspired, red business jacket and skirt said, "There is no evidence whatsoever that my client had any plans to either hijack an airplane or crash it into a concert. And these allegations about using the duct tape to abduct Miley Cyrus, which you the media continue to drum up, are simply preposterous. My client has a severe dandruff condition and uses that duct tape as a dandruff remover because it's hypo-allergenic. I have a whole slew of experts who will testify to the all-natural, organic dandruff-removing enzymes in duct tape."

When asked to clarify varying reports that the teenager also had hand-cuffs, rope and detailed schematic drawings of the stadium where Hannah Montana was performing, as well as a Hannah shrine in his room and temporary tattoo on his forearm, Allred abruptly cut the interview short. "I have to cut this interview short thereby ending it abruptly," Allred said. "I have to catch a flight to New York and meet with that Ledger masseuse."

The Joker Found Dead, No Comment from Batman

Heath Ledger, actor made famous for his role in Brokeback Mountain and as the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie, was found dead in his NYC apartment by his masseuse from an apparent drug overdose. Jack Twist (cowboy) and Batman (defender of Gotham) couldn't be reached for comment, as the two went into the mountains to reflect on the life and times of Ledger while hugging in a tent.