Southwest Airlines, Now With Hand Release

A man on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested last week after he allegedly masturbated next to a sleeping female passenger. The woman woke up to find an odd man staring at her and a sticky substance in her hair. Flight attendants only remember seeing the man move next to the woman during the flight. The victim has hired an attorney and plans on filing charges against Southwest.

The alleged perpetrator said, “If I had more leg room, I would’ve raped her.”

Alleged Hijacker Fan of Hannah Montana

Nashville. Gloria Allred sprinted to the scene and put out a statement for her latest client: the teenager accused of allegedly trying to hijack a Southwest Airlines plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert. Allred, in a Grand Ol' Opry-inspired, red business jacket and skirt said, "There is no evidence whatsoever that my client had any plans to either hijack an airplane or crash it into a concert. And these allegations about using the duct tape to abduct Miley Cyrus, which you the media continue to drum up, are simply preposterous. My client has a severe dandruff condition and uses that duct tape as a dandruff remover because it's hypo-allergenic. I have a whole slew of experts who will testify to the all-natural, organic dandruff-removing enzymes in duct tape."

When asked to clarify varying reports that the teenager also had hand-cuffs, rope and detailed schematic drawings of the stadium where Hannah Montana was performing, as well as a Hannah shrine in his room and temporary tattoo on his forearm, Allred abruptly cut the interview short. "I have to cut this interview short thereby ending it abruptly," Allred said. "I have to catch a flight to New York and meet with that Ledger masseuse."