Science Beat - Prehistoric AMPTP Man Discovered

Phoenix, Arizona. Shockwaves were felt throughout the archaeology world today when an excavation of a Hochapawnee Indian burial ground led to the discovery of a skeleton fossilized in the ground. Upon removing the find, researchers noticed the body was clinging to several slabs of soapstone. The stones were sent to a lab at Arizona State University for further study. Paleontologist Liore Palmer said, “The University isn’t going to make an official announcement until we’ve had a chance to examine all 22 slabs, but at this point, we believe we’ve found the world’s first episodic stories etched into soapstone.”

At the end of the press conference, Palmer handed reporters some initial transcriptions from the slabs. A portion of that document is listed below:

A CAVEMAN SITS NEAR FIRE IN A CAVE, SCRATCHING A THIN SLAB OF MARBLE WITH A CRUDE ROCK TOOL. HE GRUNTS AND HANDS IT OFF TO A CAVEBOY, WHO WALKS OUT OF THE CAVE AS CLOG, THE NEIGHBOR, WANDERS IN.

Clog: “Hey, Blog… Blog.”

BLOG GRUNTS AT HIM.

Clog: “I gotta tell you something.”
Blog: “Busy. Work. No talk.”
Clog: “Fine, no problem. It's about your story slabs. You're not going to like it."
Blog: “Who do what?”
Clog: “Oh, it’s nothing. You work.”
Blog: “Tell me.”
Clog: “No, don't worry about it. Finish your slab. I'll come back later.”

BLOG THROWS THE SLAB AT CLOG.

Clog: “Okay, okay. Someone’s making copies of your slabs onto, get this… soapstone.”
Blog: “Get out.”
Clog: “Okay.”

CLOG DROPS HIS HEAD AND STARTS TO LEAVE.

Blog: “Stop."
Clog: "But you said --"
Blog: "No mean it. Focus! Why someone put my story on soapstone?”
Clog: “Because it’s an easy and cheap way of distributing it to people.”
Blog: "Wait. People are buying it?"
Clog: "In droves."
Blog: "I can't believe it. I haven't gotten a fur or pelt or anything.”
Clog: "And you won't unless something's done about this injustice!"
Blog: “Who could be capable of such a thing? Nog? Rog? Oh, let me guess... is it Wog?”
Clog: “No, worse. Nick Counter.”
Blog: “Urgh! Me no like Counter!”

BLOG AND CLOG GRAB THEIR CLUBS AND HURRY OUT.

News Brief - AMPTP Xmas Gifts - Baby Seal-skin Ipod Covers.

A high-ranking AMPTP member who wished to remain anonymous (Cick Nounter) told this reporter that the AMPTP was going to give lush blankets adorned with the AMPTP logo and 2007 in the center as this year's Christmas gift. Instead, because of undisclosed profits resulting from internet revenue specifically from scripted television programs, the Board will give every member of the AMPTP baby seal-skin Ipod covers. It's not waterproof, but it's fashionable. Nounter couldn't confirm whether or not the Ipod covers would be processed seal-skin, or if they're just gutted baby seals, laced up like a Chuck Taylor.

10 Things Overheard in the Moonves Home

I completely agree with everything TV Writers are currently striking for. And since I can't pitch on jokes or come up with new story beats for the show I was lucky enough to work on, I wouldn't have to pick on somebody like Les Moonves. Whether he likes it or not, he's a celebrity. He's certainly more of a celebrity than Nick Counter. I bet Counter lives in a bunker, like Dick Cheney... Hey, that's a movie: Those two dicks living together in a nuke-proof bunker. The last two dicks on Earth... Obviously, the story would be sci-fi/horror... Anyway, on with the list:

1. Les (on phone): “Times are tough and the entire network is strapped for cash. Trust me, we’re all making sacrifices.” A horse neighs in the background. Les covers the phone and yells out: “Would someone feed Caruso?!”

2. Kid #1: “This is crazy! I’m so hungry, I can’t even come up with bits!” Kid #2: “Yeah, where’s the butler with lunch? We ordered, like, hours ago.” Julie: “Jeeves called and said the restaurant was running behind. Now keep working on those ‘Big Brother’ game ideas for Mommy.” Kid #1: “I knew we should’ve just ordered from Katsuya.” He shrugs and stamps his feet, then: “I hate writing.”

3. Julie: “Les, you’ve been screwing the writers all day. Now come to bed and screw me.” Les: “I can’t. I’m trying to write the finale to ‘Ghost Whisperer.’” Julie: “Just rip off ‘The Sixth Sense.’” Les: “And make Jennifer Love Hewitt dead this whole time? That’s crazy… Crazy enough for an Emmy!”

4. Les (on phone): “I’m telling you, taking contestants up in helicopters, arming them with sniper rifles and letting ‘em shoot at striking writers is ratings gold… Okay, but passing on this idea should get you fried in the electric chair too!”

5. Les: “How was your day?” Julie: “Great. I made butternut squash soup with chef Bobby Flay, interviewed tennis legend Bjorn Borg about his new line of wooden rackets, and then I – I –” Les: “Is everything all right?” Julie: “Oh, I’m fine. The teleprompter just stopped.”

6. Les: “How were the kids today? Any trouble?” Butler: “No, they were fine. We gave ‘em a good, long run this morning. They’re getting brushed down in the stables now.”

7. Les: “Would you ever consider a threesome with one of your ‘Early Show’ co-hosts?” Julie: “I don’t know. Maybe. Hannah’s kind of cute.” Les: “Forget her. What about Harry Smith? He can be my big brother any day.”

8. Les: “Hey, has Hannah Storm asked about me at all recently?” Julie: “No. Why?” Les: “Oh. No reason. Say, totally unrelated, would you like to be an Executive Producer on the next ‘Big Brother’?”

9. Butler: “Sir, where would you like the weekly cash delivery to be stored?” Les: “In the money barn as usual, Jeeves.” Butler: “Ah yes, but the money barn is full, sir.” Les: “The “Girlfriends” and “The Game” writers’ offices are empty. Stack my bills there.”

10. Les: “Why did your principal call me?” Kid: “It’s stupid. The school store employees are threatening to go on strike because I won’t honor their online tater-tot incentive program.” Les: “Well, why won’t you?” Kid: “Because I don’t know how our new internet school store is going to do yet.” Les: “Oh, well, that makes perfect sense. I’ll handle it, go play with your meerkats.”