Mayor of Hollywood: Fade Out. End of Show.

Johnny Grant, longtime "Mayor of Hollywood," died at the age of 84.

Hollywood Homicide detectives immediately named Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly as suspects. Seacrest adamantly denied all the allegations brought upon him, stating that he wasn't even in Los Angeles at the time of Grant's death. "I was busy standing outside of some random hotel ballroom, waiting for the outcome of Idol auditions. I've been on this show from the beginning and I've never actually seen an audition. Not one. Can you tell I'm wearing lifts?"

Daly, however, sent out a mass email to all his friends asking for alibi ideas. "This was a red flag," stated Sergeant Joe Gavilan (phoned in by Harrison Ford). "The script to Hollywood Homicide was another red flag, but I didn't realize it, and it cost me. But not this time, Daly. Not this time."

Celebrity Seen Differently - Britney Spears Released from Hospital

Los Angeles, CA. Hours ago, international music sensation and negligent mother Britney Spears was released from Cedars-Sinai Hospital. According to Spears, "They tried to hold me on a 5150, but that's fake. That's a Van Halen record."

Despite all the child custody issues Spears has gone through, her backup dancers hope this most recent incident will "shake that crazy bitch back to reality. Love you, Brit!"

Spears said, “There’s a room in the hospital filled with brand new babies, y'all. They were so cute. I remember when I had kids... Anyway, all the babies were in little boxes like at the airport before you go through the metal screener thingy. Don’t tell anybody, but I moved some of the baby boxes around. Don’t tell. Shhh. Ooh! Doctor Phil's on the tv!”

News Brief: Transcript of Terror Plot Fake, Montana Town Not Real

GUANTANAMO, CUBA. TWO MEN, HAJI AND RANDY, ARE ON THEIR KNEES, BLINDFOLDED AND HANDCUFFED. THEY WHISPER THE FOLLOWING:

Haji: "Cuba sucks."
Randy: "What?"
Haji: "Cuba."
Randy: "What about it?"
Haji: "It sucks."
Randy: "So?"
Haji: "So? We're in Cuba. And it sucks."
Randy: "We're not in Cuba."
Haji: "Uh, sure we are."
Randy: (laughs) "We're not in Cuba."
Haji: "Okay, then where are we?"
Randy: "Montana."
Haji: "I beg your pardon?"
Randy: "Montana. Guanto, Montana."
Haji: "You've lost your mind. We're in Cuba, man. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba."
Randy: "Okay, first of all, stop yelling at me. And second of all, I assure you, we're on American soil in Guanto, Montana."
Haji: "That's just crazy. How can you say that?"
Randy: "Because it's the truth."
Haji: "Oh, who told you?"
Randy: "A guard."
Haji: "Were you upside down on a board with water in your face?"
Randy: (whoa) "...How'd you know that?"
Haji: "Just a guess."
Randy: "You are a great guesser. Montana has already been good for you."
Haji: "Montana sucks."

Celebrity News Brief – It Couple Calls It Quits

Beverly Hills, CA. The It Couple of the moment broke up today after meeting for sushi at the city’s It Spot. Representatives for both said their clients are “in the pits.” He hopes they can still be friends so he can continue to look at her tits. She quickly fired back on Larry King that she’s relieved they broke up. “I'm looking forward to some alone time, far away from his endless bits, skits, lists and fits.” His mother, and manager, told the ladies of "The View," “I'm happy they split. From the moment I met her, I thought she was a ditz.”

Despite their differences, it's rumored that these two distraught lovebirds are finding solace in the occasional Ritz. As she was leaving the news office she said, "Take a cracker, spread on a dab of peanut butter and put a raisin on top. Dee-lish."

News Brief - Man Considers Ambien, Settles on Asking Wife About Her Day

East Stroudsburg, PA. Enid Muggles noticed her husband, Arthur, was having trouble sleeping, so she suggested Ambien. Arthur consulted his doctor about it and was told to avoid taking any kind of sleep aid. Muggles' doctor, Dr. Stephen Schole said, "Arthur has eight hours a night to devote to a good night's sleep, but he operates heavy machinery for a living, so pills are out of the question."

Almost by chance, Muggles found an unlikely alternative to medical sleep aids. Muggles said, “One night, I asked Enid about her day, and I swear, by the time she got to the topic on Oprah, I was out like a light. So, I’ve been sticking to that.”

News Brief - Blockbuster Employee Admits to Fraud

Shady Rest, California. Melissa Mortimer, a Blockbuster employee since March 2007, admitted to her branch's manager, Richie Vandervistle, that she's been fraudulently copying data from the entertainment website RottenTomatoes.com, and passing it off as her own EMPLOYEE PICKS.

Vandervistle stated, "She corrupted the sanctity of Employee Picks. She lied, plain and simple. The only rotten tomato in our Blockbuster Store #653 bunch is Ms. Mortimer." He then puffed on his Camel Light several times before flicking it into the parking lot and going back inside.

When reached for comment, Mortimer said simply, "After a month of substandard, non-Emmy worthy new releases, the Picks became more of a chore than a love of mine. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.”

News Brief - AMPTP Xmas Gifts - Baby Seal-skin Ipod Covers.

A high-ranking AMPTP member who wished to remain anonymous (Cick Nounter) told this reporter that the AMPTP was going to give lush blankets adorned with the AMPTP logo and 2007 in the center as this year's Christmas gift. Instead, because of undisclosed profits resulting from internet revenue specifically from scripted television programs, the Board will give every member of the AMPTP baby seal-skin Ipod covers. It's not waterproof, but it's fashionable. Nounter couldn't confirm whether or not the Ipod covers would be processed seal-skin, or if they're just gutted baby seals, laced up like a Chuck Taylor.

News Brief - Man Finally Settles On Signature for the Bank

Temecula, California. Preston Butterlick, a local vacuum cleaner salesman, announced today that he’s finally settled on a signature to use every time he makes official bank business.

Teller, Rachel Laredo, said, “I think it’s great. It’s something he can duplicate. With ATM deposits technology on the rise, signatures are becoming more and more important. Plus, he makes a real statement with his P and B. Big, bold, and cursive."

Butterlick also stated he will use this signature for all business related matters, but will not ignore his legendary autograph sketches he hands out every year at the Suc-Shack’s Annual BBQ Fireman’s Fundraiser. "After years of running around, signing my name crazy every time, I thought it was time to settle down." This reporter asked Mr. Butterlick if he was speaking about his signature, or his marriage. Butterlick stated, "That's absurd. Meredith and I have had our problems, just like any other couple, but we're working it out. It's like a job. An all day, on-call neverending job. Say, who wants some pulled pork?"