The Bee's senior investigative reporter has found evidence suggesting that Billy Mays, television informercial jaugernaut, was killed by the CIA. Mays had been secretly developing industrial-strength, weapon-grade Oxi-Clean and the US government was hellbent on acquiring it for military purposes (certainly not for environmental applications because why should the US government care about Earth?). Ultimately, Mays outsmarted authorities and took his Atomi-Clean secrets with him to the grave. In a brilliantly executed strategic manuever, Mays managed to slip past federal agents who were surreptiously shadowing him during a blue button-down shirt delivery. Mays didn't sneak out in a pile of shirts. No, that's a rookie move. And Mays was no rookie. Straight-up juggernaut. Instead, he invited the federal agents to take some shirts, and while they were arguing whether or not it was ethical to take free merchandise - even if it was a gift - he simply drove off the premises in his Range Rover. [The Rover was fully loaded and featured a custom-paint job. The exterior was "Billy button-down blue" and the interior was "Billy khaki pants khaki."]
It's a shame Billy never completed his weapon-grade Atomi-Clean because the Gulf of Mexico could really use it right now.
"Just pour Atomi-Clean into an ocean, have a few tanker ships spin around a full 360 degrees and you're as good as new. Spotless reefs and clean animals. And if you order right now, I'll throw in a second container at no extra cost. All this can be yours - that's over forty tons of Atomi-Clean - for only $19,950,000!"
