I completely agree with everything TV Writers are currently striking for. And since I can't pitch on jokes or come up with new story beats for the show I was lucky enough to work on, I wouldn't have to pick on somebody like Les Moonves. Whether he likes it or not, he's a celebrity. He's certainly more of a celebrity than Nick Counter. I bet Counter lives in a bunker, like Dick Cheney... Hey, that's a movie: Those two dicks living together in a nuke-proof bunker. The last two dicks on Earth... Obviously, the story would be sci-fi/horror... Anyway, on with the list: 1. Les (on phone): “Times are tough and the entire network is strapped for cash. Trust me, we’re all making sacrifices.” A horse neighs in the background. Les covers the phone and yells out: “Would someone feed Caruso?!”
2. Kid #1: “This is crazy! I’m so hungry, I can’t even come up with bits!” Kid #2: “Yeah, where’s the butler with lunch? We ordered, like, hours ago.” Julie: “Jeeves called and said the restaurant was running behind. Now keep working on those ‘Big Brother’ game ideas for Mommy.” Kid #1: “I knew we should’ve just ordered from Katsuya.” He shrugs and stamps his feet, then: “I hate writing.”
3. Julie: “Les, you’ve been screwing the writers all day. Now come to bed and screw me.” Les: “I can’t. I’m trying to write the finale to ‘Ghost Whisperer.’” Julie: “Just rip off ‘The Sixth Sense.’” Les: “And make Jennifer Love Hewitt dead this whole time? That’s crazy… Crazy enough for an Emmy!”
4. Les (on phone): “I’m telling you, taking contestants up in helicopters, arming them with sniper rifles and letting ‘em shoot at striking writers is ratings gold… Okay, but passing on this idea should get you fried in the electric chair too!”
5. Les: “How was your day?” Julie: “Great. I made butternut squash soup with chef Bobby Flay, interviewed tennis legend Bjorn Borg about his new line of wooden rackets, and then I – I –” Les: “Is everything all right?” Julie: “Oh, I’m fine. The teleprompter just stopped.”
6. Les: “How were the kids today? Any trouble?” Butler: “No, they were fine. We gave ‘em a good, long run this morning. They’re getting brushed down in the stables now.”
7. Les: “Would you ever consider a threesome with one of your ‘Early Show’ co-hosts?” Julie: “I don’t know. Maybe. Hannah’s kind of cute.” Les: “Forget her. What about Harry Smith? He can be my big brother any day.”
8. Les: “Hey, has Hannah Storm asked about me at all recently?” Julie: “No. Why?” Les: “Oh. No reason. Say, totally unrelated, would you like to be an Executive Producer on the next ‘Big Brother’?”
9. Butler: “Sir, where would you like the weekly cash delivery to be stored?” Les: “In the money barn as usual, Jeeves.” Butler: “Ah yes, but the money barn is full, sir.” Les: “The “Girlfriends” and “The Game” writers’ offices are empty. Stack my bills there.”
10. Les: “Why did your principal call me?” Kid: “It’s stupid. The school store employees are threatening to go on strike because I won’t honor their online tater-tot incentive program.” Les: “Well, why won’t you?” Kid: “Because I don’t know how our new internet school store is going to do yet.” Les: “Oh, well, that makes perfect sense. I’ll handle it, go play with your meerkats.”
