McCain Goes Commando on Romney

Simi Valley, CA. At the last Republican debate before Super Tuesday, tensions erupted when Mitt Romney and John McCain went toe-to-toe over the issue of Iraq. Romney was infuriated by what he called McCain's "Nixon-like" tactics when talking about proposed timetables for withdrawal from Iraq. McCain simply laughed if off as he traced his hand and drew a turkey.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee pleaded for time to speak, but was sternly shh’d by Anderson Cooper. At one point Huckabee said, “There are other candidates who –,“ and Cooper cut him off with another shh followed by a glare, coupled with a warning finger point.

Ron Paul was there.

Gayle's Endorsement Shocks Barack, Harpo

Long before John Edwards' announcement that he was "suspending" his race for President, pundits have been speculating who the two remaining Democratic front-runners will choose as their running mates. The Daily Bee is reporting that Barack Obama is strongly considering Oprah Winfrey. When Gayle King was asked for comment, she shocked the nation by endorsing Hillary Clinton. Gayle said, "I agree with Hillary's economic views, but more importantly, she believes that it's the driver's prerogative, regardless of status, to pick the radio station. And Hillary likes my singing."

Why Y Was Y

The critically-acclaimed, fan-adored comic book Y-The Last Man came to an end today with issue #60. Created by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra, Y was about Yorick Brown's search to find his girlfriend, Beth, after a mysterious plague killed every man on Earth. The book grabbed readers from page one with it's blend of science-fiction, social commentary and romance. But the undeniable heart of this story was the relationship between Yorick and his monkey.

Jesse Custer, webmaster of Ythelastfan.com, stated, “The curtains have been drawn on this destined-to-be classic. I have all the issues, but I don't want to take them out of their plastic bags. I guess I’ll start reading She-Hulk. She’s an attorney.”

Redcoats Honour Cinema, Telly

At last night’s 12th annual South Bank Awards ceremony, JK Rowling finally announced the title of the last Potter film... Harry Potter Makes JK A Bloody Fortune.

Some notable winners from the auspicious evening included:

Best Feature Film – No Country For Old Mates

Best Telly Comedy – The Office (*also won Best New Telly Comedy - the show is based on the American version of the British hit)

Best Telly Drama – CSI: Sheffield

Best Telly Game Programme - Eat! That! Porridge!

Pipe Organ Donor Has Kidney Stolen

Dave Rickenharp, longtime resident of Shady Rest, was admitted to the Surgical Ward after suffering complications from a botched, black-market surgery. Rickenharp said, “My family inherited one of the oldest concert halls in America. Despite the nostalgic value, it became clear the property was quickly devouring the family’s resources, and we were forced to sell. Before the sale, I was responsible for finding a suitable home for our antique pipe organ. Due to a language difference and a series of unfortunate circumstances beyond my control, I made the mistake of traveling to India to meet with a possible candidate, a man by the name of Doctor Horror Organsnatcher. My first reaction was, ‘That’s a silly name.’ But then I thought, who am I to say a name sounds funny? My middle name is Manheim. During the interview, I tried to explain to Dr. Organsnatcher about the organ I wanted him to take from me. Next thing I know, I woke up in a tub filled with ice and my stomach wrapped in gauze.”

Stick 'em Up, Carol Channing

On Friday, Carol Channing was in a Palm Desert bank when it was robbed. Channing said, “I was in the bank, you know, handling my finances. Actually, it was just my cash winnings from the slots in Tahoe. You can ski there without a jacket on. It’s that warm, it's extraordinary. So at the bank, some guys in president-masks ran in and shouted, ‘This is a stick up! Hit the floor!’ I'm making that up. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t even know the bank was robbed until I walked outside and reporters asked me what it was like to be in the bank while it was being robbed. So naturally, I turned it on and made something up. It helped that I was out of breath. You know, from lugging seventy-two dollars in quarters to the bank. Not to mention my purse, which is already packed to the brim with Sweet-n-Low, Velamints and my Colt 45. Incidentally, have you seen the new Rambo? Wowzers. He is quite the hunky psychopath.”

Body Found, CNN Starts Saying Stacy Peterson

Chicago. The body of an unknown dead woman was found in a canal on Friday. Before a fingerprint was even taken, CNN’s Anderson Cooper reported that the body could be Stacy Peterson. Stacy is the wife of Drew Peterson who’s been missing for three months. Drew Peterson is currently the prime suspect in his wife’s disappearance.

Cooper stressed each time he said the body could be Stacy Peterson that it very well might not be Stacy Peterson. Without any confirmation, it’s impossible to know for sure, but it is conceivable the body is that of Stacy Peterson. CNN dedicated the rest of the night to investigating the possible ways the dead body could only be Stacy Peterson.

Alleged Hijacker Fan of Hannah Montana

Nashville. Gloria Allred sprinted to the scene and put out a statement for her latest client: the teenager accused of allegedly trying to hijack a Southwest Airlines plane and crash it into a Hannah Montana concert. Allred, in a Grand Ol' Opry-inspired, red business jacket and skirt said, "There is no evidence whatsoever that my client had any plans to either hijack an airplane or crash it into a concert. And these allegations about using the duct tape to abduct Miley Cyrus, which you the media continue to drum up, are simply preposterous. My client has a severe dandruff condition and uses that duct tape as a dandruff remover because it's hypo-allergenic. I have a whole slew of experts who will testify to the all-natural, organic dandruff-removing enzymes in duct tape."

When asked to clarify varying reports that the teenager also had hand-cuffs, rope and detailed schematic drawings of the stadium where Hannah Montana was performing, as well as a Hannah shrine in his room and temporary tattoo on his forearm, Allred abruptly cut the interview short. "I have to cut this interview short thereby ending it abruptly," Allred said. "I have to catch a flight to New York and meet with that Ledger masseuse."

Boy Really Loves McNuggets

Tommy, an eight year-old Shady Rest resident, told his mother at the dinner table that he only likes chicken if it’s in the form of a McNugget. Tommy’s mother insisted that the store bought chicken she cut up for him was “the same thing as McNuggets.”

“Nu-uh,” Tommy said, as he stomped his feet and dramatically marched out of the room.

The Joker Found Dead, No Comment from Batman

Heath Ledger, actor made famous for his role in Brokeback Mountain and as the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie, was found dead in his NYC apartment by his masseuse from an apparent drug overdose. Jack Twist (cowboy) and Batman (defender of Gotham) couldn't be reached for comment, as the two went into the mountains to reflect on the life and times of Ledger while hugging in a tent.

Guiness Announces World’s Largest Pool, Toilet

The Guiness Book of World Records announced that the San Alfonso del Mar in Argarrobo, Chile has the largest outdoor swimming pool in the world. Nearly one thousand yards in length, the seawater pool provides swimmers and boaters with a truly one-of-a-kind experience. Which is why The Guiness Book of World Records also announced today that the San Alfonso del Mar in Argarrobo, Chile also has the world’s largest outdoor toilet.

Dr. Phil Tries to Help Another Female Pop Star

Desperate to help someone famous with his down-to-earth, good old-fashioned country wisdom he based solely on Uncle Jessie from The Dukes of Hazzard, Dr. Phil McGraw grabbed his Tommy Bahama travel tote and headed to South America to visit with music sensation, Shakira. Dr. Phil said, "Her family did not contact me, but I think her music is infectious."

Shakira appreciated the offer. She shimmied voraciously and replied, “Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay… I'm good, no thank you.”

Carrie Bradshaw Wins Triple Crown in Ugly by Nose

Maxim magazine voted Sarah Jessica Parker the most unattractive female celebrity in Hollywood.

Clarabelle Cow (dating Horace Horsecollar), Starla Spacely (wife of Sprockets mogul, George Spacely), Ann Curry and Suri Cruise (Hubbard spawn) rounded out the Top Five.

Nevada Caucus 2008: Vegas Getting Sleepy

Las Vegas, NV. Just as Washington insiders predicted, two candidates took substantial leads over the rest of the field. One is an African American man. One is a woman. Both are hypnotists:

JUSTIN TRANZ. Tranz headlines Hip-Nosis at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel. Tranz has been performing hypnosis longer than anyone else is Vegas. His show is known for its high energy and animal-print suits.




MICHELLE VAN REE. Van Ree, "America's Favorite Hypnotist," stars in Hypnolarious at the Bourbon Street Hotel. Along with her dog, Deogee, the duo lulls audiences to sleep five nights a week.

Brad Renfro Dies: Unexpected, Yet Expected

Tragedy struck Hollywood after another young up-and-coming actor stopped becoming. Brad Renfro died this week at the age of 25. Renfro left a journal, detailing notes on future projects, and The Bee won it at auction on eBay. The last entry is a rough outline for a sequel of sorts to Lars and the Real Girl. Renfro’s project was entitled, Brad and the Real Rhino. The following are Renfro's actual notes:

Who is Brad? -- failed musician -- taunts rhino, banned from zoo -- can't see rhino -- special connection with rhino, world can't know about him and rhino -- buys expensive as shit toy rhino -- hangs out with rhino -- after freebase marathon, rhino tells Brad to kill himself.

UFO Sightings a Prank, Not Start of Alien Invasion

Stephenville, TX. After several residents reported seeing lights in the sky, moving at variable rates of speed without making any noise, talk of Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy attacking earth riled this small Texas town into a frenzy. The Stephenville Police Department conducted an investigation and determined the "UFO's" were not part of the invasion foretold by Scientologists, but simply a prank by seniors at neighboring Steveville High School.

Lohan Takes Lead Over Spears in Crazy Race '08

As further punishment for her 2007 drunk driving arrests, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to two days of community service in an emergency room. Lohan told the judge, “I can do that. I’ve been to the hospital tons of times, I got my blood type tattooed on my forearm. See? (holds out arm) Put AB-Negative Here. And that's a dolphin.”

The judge then ordered Lohan to serve two more days of community service. The judge said, “Her reckless disregard for herself and others demonstrates her inability to see the consequences of her actions. That's why I've ordered Ms. Lohan to serve two more days, this time at the City Morgue." What Lohan doesn't know is that all the bodies in the morgue will be people who committed suicide right after seeing I Know Who Killed Me.

4 Score and 7 Years Ago, Librarian Screws Up

Washington DC. An official for the Library of Congress stated today that the Library just fixed two major filing errors, and one was, "Like, ancient." Photographs from Abraham Lincoln’s second inaugural induction on March 4, 1865 were incorrectly filed with photographs from Ulysses S. Grant’s administration. A man who noticed the error, clearly possessing x-ray vision, immediately contacted the Library. The reader's name? Let's just say it ends with uperman.

The second filing error, while not over one hundred years old, was even more glaring. This "Mission Accomplished" photograph was placed in a file marked US Accomplished Mission in Iraq, and was supposed to be filed under US Hasn't Accomplished Mission in Iraq Even Though Bush Said So.

The Library will report all future errors on their website under incorrect subject headings, and then start a blog detailing the corrections as they are made.

Angel Loses Wings, Threatens to Burn Shady Rest

Yuma. Warren Worthington III, known to many as Angel, lost his wings during a scuffle with Mr. Sinister. No longer able to fly, Warren turned his back on the Lord. He changed his name to Charlie Prince, became a bonafide whiskey-drinking killer and joined Ben Wade's gang.

"Not everything you hear is truth," Charlie said. "Now I'll drink it when I'm with the guys, but I'm not that fond of whiskey. When I was in Tijuana, a whore introduced my palette to an alluring tonic called sarsaparilla. Man, I miss that whore. (spits) Shady Rest's gonna burn!"

Bill Clinton Calms Democratic Racial Storm

Today, Bill Clinton acted as a peacekeeper for wife Hillary and Barack Obama after the two clashed over race. For Bill, the solution was simple. The two candidates just needed to sit back, relax and enjoy The Bucket List.

During the film’s intermission, Bill met with ushers (and reporters) in the lobby and said, “If they [Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman] can make it up there there, Hill and Obama can make it down here. You know what they need? The same thing America needs. (thumb out) A list. Now, point me towards the SnoCaps and Dewars -- I mean Diet Coke. And SnoCaps. Little things are like crack candy. I can't get enough of 'em.”

Actor Leaves Stage for... Octagon?

Burbank, CA. Unable to pay his mortgage, unable to feed his children, he had to do something. Like many of his compatriots, he was forced to find other means of income while the AMPTP refuses to even speak with the WGA. Unfortunately, this one particular individual was so desperate, he was forced to enter the dangerous world of mixed martial arts.

This afternoon, the Tasmanian Devil participated in his first, and most likely last competition in the ever-popular UFC. Devil was submitted by an arm-bar perfectly executed by Matt Hughes, just nine seconds into the first round. Frustrated by his performance, Devil spun out, slammed his head on a folding table and knocked himself unconscious.

Devil was immediately rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital, where he underwent a series of tests, including comprehensive x-rays of his trachea. Doctors are having a hard time determining whether or not Devil's voice is impaired because of his "unique" accent.

Undaunted by his training partner's brutal defeat, Hamton Joseph Pig announced today that he still plans on entering the World Wrestling Entertainment's (WWE) Royal Rumble, on January 27, 2008 live from Madison Square Garden. Pig said, "I have no other means of employ. And I've been wearing these overalls since Tiny Tunes Adventures went off the air. I'm hungry. In general, but also for a win. I'm gonna grease up like the other guys, run around and try not to get thrown out of the ring. Shouldn't be too hard."

That one The Wire fan will soon no longer be able to ask, "Do you watch The Wire?"

The majority of "residents" at Shady Rest are avid fans of staring out the newly installed high-definition, Blu-ray windows. The few "residents" who still find it necessary to watch television are drawn to America's Funniest Home Videos and police procedural dramas. (It's been speculated that Tom Bergeron was a "resident" of Shady Rest in the mid-1980s.)

The most popular of the cop shows is HBO's The Wire. Executive Vice President of Communications for the Shady Rest Forum on The Wire, Bolden Grooks, has mixed emotions about this being the final season of the show. Grooks said, "I am sad The Wire is ending, and I am happy The Wire is ending. I am both. The day after every episode of The Wire, I ask my friends, 'Hey, do you watch The Wire? And they always say, 'Like I told you last week, no. Ask me again and I'll choke you with a wire.' Now, with the show ending, I can stop asking. I'm happy about that. But sad that I have to be happy about it, you know?"

Grooks was unable to speak with the other members of the Forum about The Wire, because, apparently, she is the only member. When asked why she named herself Vice President of the Forum instead of President, Grooks said simply, "It's a process. It's in the bylaws."

[Tonight's episode of The Wire, "Unconfirmed Reports": 9 RED HATS (out of 10 RED HATS)]

Latest AMPTP Victim: Wiley E. Coyote

Burbank, CA. Earlier this week, Warner Brothers told more than one thousand employees that they might be laid off because of the AMPTP's unwillingness to give the Writers' Guild of America a fair cut of revenue generated from "new media." Among those who received this notice was Wiley E. Coyote. Coyote said, "Gulp."

Unless there's a resolution, the future remains uncertain for Gossamer. Gossamer is most known for his 1945 episode Hair Raising Hare co-starring Bugs Bunny, as well as his six episode arc on Will and Grace.

Mayor of Hollywood: Fade Out. End of Show.

Johnny Grant, longtime "Mayor of Hollywood," died at the age of 84.

Hollywood Homicide detectives immediately named Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly as suspects. Seacrest adamantly denied all the allegations brought upon him, stating that he wasn't even in Los Angeles at the time of Grant's death. "I was busy standing outside of some random hotel ballroom, waiting for the outcome of Idol auditions. I've been on this show from the beginning and I've never actually seen an audition. Not one. Can you tell I'm wearing lifts?"

Daly, however, sent out a mass email to all his friends asking for alibi ideas. "This was a red flag," stated Sergeant Joe Gavilan (phoned in by Harrison Ford). "The script to Hollywood Homicide was another red flag, but I didn't realize it, and it cost me. But not this time, Daly. Not this time."

Celebrity Seen Differently - Britney Spears Released from Hospital

Los Angeles, CA. Hours ago, international music sensation and negligent mother Britney Spears was released from Cedars-Sinai Hospital. According to Spears, "They tried to hold me on a 5150, but that's fake. That's a Van Halen record."

Despite all the child custody issues Spears has gone through, her backup dancers hope this most recent incident will "shake that crazy bitch back to reality. Love you, Brit!"

Spears said, “There’s a room in the hospital filled with brand new babies, y'all. They were so cute. I remember when I had kids... Anyway, all the babies were in little boxes like at the airport before you go through the metal screener thingy. Don’t tell anybody, but I moved some of the baby boxes around. Don’t tell. Shhh. Ooh! Doctor Phil's on the tv!”

Bleeker: An Upcoming Shady Rest Joint

LOGLINE: Bleeker is Juno, but from Paulie Bleeker’s point-of-view. (“Paulie” sounds like Paulie Shore, and that's unacceptable)

TEASER TRAILER:

EXT. SCHOOL TRACK - DAY
Juno and Bleeker are standing, talking.
Announcer (VO): "Previously, on Juno..."
Juno: "I'm pregnant."
Announcer (VO): "And now, Bleeker..."
Bleeker: “Well, I think you should do what you think is right. I mean, it is your vagina and uterus, and stuff. I know if there was a decision my penis and balls and stuff had to make with me, I wouldn’t want anyone getting between us.”
Juno: “Don’t personify your junk.”
Bleeker: “You do.”
Juno: “Did. I did. Once. I referred to my junk as a cat. Regrettable experience."
Bleeker: "You said it all feline and sexy."
Juno: "Zip it, Bleeker."

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL TRACK - LATER
Bleeker and Vijay (Aman Johal) are running, talking.
Bleeker: “She's always worried I don't have enough clean pairs of underpants, or what I had for lunch, or why I'm sneezing."
Vijay: "Still haven't told your mom you knocked up Juno?"
Bleeker: "Good day to no, sir."
Vijay smirks.
Bleeker: "I'm still trying to find a more elegant phrase than 'I knocked up Juno.'"
Vijay: "Try, 'What's for dinner, Mom? I mean, Grandma.'"
Bleeker: "Also an option. For things not to say. Do you think you could come with me when I tell her?"
Vijay: "For, like, support?"
Bleeker: "Well, yeah, for nonverbal support, primarily."
Vijay: "Oh, that's cool. Not a chance, Bleeker."
Vijay keeps laughing as he runs off.
Bleeker: "You're... not close enough to hear me. Vigay."

CUT TO:

INT. BLEEKER'S BASEMENT - LATER
Bleeker puts fresh sock balls into a basket as Mark Loring (Jason Bateman) stands there with a small keyboard.
Announcer (VO): "Previously, on Juno..."
Mark addresses the camera.
Mark: "I left my wife to fulfill my dream of being in a band. And Juno gave her kid to my ex."
Announcer (VO): "And now, another look at next summer's Bleeker..."
Mark: “You don’t need a woman when you have a band, man.”
Bleeker: “Juno plays rhythm guitar in the band.”
Mark: “Oh."
A beat.
Mark: "You guys need an organ player?”
Bleeker: “Not that I can think of, no.”
Mark: “Well, if you ever do, call me.”
Mark offers him a business card.
Bleeker: “I don’t know why we would though.”
Mark: “I’m just saying, if the situation arises, I’m your man.”
Mark continues to hold out his card.
Bleeker: “We’ve really grown close as a band, you know, with the underage pregnancy and all. I can’t recall an instance when anyone said, ‘This situation requires someone off to the side playing a synthesizer.’”
Mark: “Will you just take my business card?”
Bleeker: “I'd really prefer not to."
Mark: “Why?"
Bleeker: “Well, you’re a musician, and yet you have a business card.”
Mark: “And?”
Bleeker: “That’s it. Thought completed. I don’t have another thought formed yet. When I do, though, I’ll tell you. Or, if you give me your card, I could call you.”
Mark tosses the card at him.
Mark: "You're a jerk, Paulie."
Bleeker: "It's Bleeker. Bleek if you're nasty."

JUNO - 10 MONTHS (out of 9 MONTHS. 10's great for a movie, but not for a baby)